


Apathy

by FourFiftySix (Tofu_Ghost)



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, NSFW
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-30 01:39:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13939812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tofu_Ghost/pseuds/FourFiftySix
Summary: It's been five years since Jian Yi disappeared along with He Tian. Mo Guan Shan and Zhan Zheng Xi have become close friends. Now living together and forming a band, they use their music to vent their frustrations in a never ending struggle to move on from those they lost."What would you do if He Tian came back?"Guan Shan grinned, apathy stretching across his face like it belonged there. It always had. "He's not coming back."





	1. Chapter 1

Five years wasn't such a long time.

But reliving bad memories, stumbling over the shame of past mistakes and missed opportunities made those years stretch out for centuries.

Five years felt like five hundred and each day that passed by without the same people that used to fill it made the world seem faded. Worn to the touch like an old blanket that should've been thrown out in the bin long ago. But it was impossible to let go of when it still offered so much comfort with the memories it held. It was a useless souvenir that held no value, mattering only to the one that kept it high on a shelf just for the sake of falling back on better times when reality became too thick to wade through.

For Zheng Xi, it was a hair tie that was slightly frayed and far too thin. It had lost it's elasticity years ago but nevertheless it hung from his wrist even when he showered. He figured if he kept one small peice, one tiny reminder of Jian Yi on him, he wouldn't forget. He thought that one day he could give it back to him.

For Guan Shan it was the damn earring. Singular. The only thing He Tian had ever given him other than headaches and tender bruises. The term 'given' was too innocent. He Tian had forced it on him at the time but the day he left, Guan Shan had twirled it between his fingers like it would magically summon the devil home so he could answer the endless amount of questions he still had. It never worked. He didn't come back and Guan Shan sunk so low as to wear it, thinking that would make up for a fraction of the things he'd done.

Neither one of them talked about it much. They both entertained the idea that if they didn't mention it, the pain would fade away along with the questions. But five years had passed, graduation ended, and all they were left with was each other and the looming truth that they were never going to get over it.

Zheng Xi took it out on his drumset while Guan Shan wore calluses into his fingers strumming his guitar. They both emptied their frustrations onto paper, filling the ink with fury and yearning. It was enough. At least they didn't have to talk about it. The lyrics spoke volumes.

Until the day Zheng Xi fell onto the couch after a late practice with the rest of their band. He handed Guan Shan a cold soda before he let his head fall back and stared at the ceiling. "What would you do if He Tian came back?"

Neither of them had spoken his name is five years, let alone Jian Yi's. Guan Shan stiffened with the memories that surfaced. Images of a car that was waiting, an uneasy He Tian, a pleading look Guan Shan had never seen before when he'd whispered,  "Take care of yourself, please . . . _for me_."

The memory of him walking away leaving him more confused than usual ran across his vision. To this day he was still confused and he always felt sick when he remembered stumbling out into the street as the car drove away. The sound of his own voice calling that God forsaken name, made him cringe.

Guan Shan came back to the present and grinned, apathy spreading across his face like it belonged there. It always had. "He's not coming back."

"Humor me."

Guan Shan opened the soda with a snap, "I'd kill him."

Zheng Xi eyed him as he let his head fall to the side. "You're a bad liar."

"Am not." He huffed and took a long sip of his drink before he offered the rest to his roommate.

Zheng Xi took the can and stood, "The music says it all. We don't talk about it because we don't need to. I feel it when you sing, when you play your guitar. I'm not deaf and you know I'm not an idiot. He hurt you and it's fine to deny it, but you can't hide it from me. You're my only friend now and I'm yours, so let's stop pretending that this is easy."

Guan Shan pushed himself off the sofa and wandered into the kitchen, "Do you want a sandwich?"

"Sure." Zheng Xi followed him and leaned against the counter, "But don't change the subject."

"I'm not." Guan Shan pulled at a peice of lettuce, "I'm fucking starving. What do you want me to say? That you're right? Because you already know you are."

"Did you love him?"

Guan Shan froze with the knife in his hand, dread crawling it's way up his spine along with the inadequacies that had always clung to him like the fog on a mountain. "I barely knew him."

"You have scars, Guan Shan."

He spun around with hostilities poised on his tongue, but he took a deep breath and rubbed at the self-inflicted lines on his wrist that had healed long ago. "He told me to take care of myself . . . _for him_. And I thought, why the fuck would I do anything for him? I told myself I was cutting just out of spite but I knew he wasn't coming back. I was cutting so I would feel something other than lonely and I didn't want to accept that I never felt alone when I was with him. I never felt out of place or like a burden . . . I didn't love him, Zheng Xi. I missed him and I fucking hate that I still do."

Zheng Xi took a step foward and slowly pulled the knife out of his hand and sat it on the cutting board before he cautiously wrapped an arm around Guan Shan's shoulder, pulling him into a hug. "I loved Jian Yi and I never told him. He told me and he was a bigger man than I was because I let it fester and worry and I never swallowed my pride. Now he's gone and the only thing that has ever helped me cope is you and our music. So you can keep bottling up what you feel or you can accept that I'm here for you and we can help each other move forward."

Guan Shan swallowed past the painful lump in his throat and tried to make light of the situation, "I'm not sleeping with you if that's what you're trying to get at."

"No thanks." Zheng Xi grinned against the side of his face and held him a little tighter because he knew they both needed a little reassurance and they weren't going to get it anywhere else. "I used to not like you, you know."

Guan Shan's lip trembled and he tried to say, 'I know' but hot tears sprang free and he gave up, burying his face into Zheng Xi's shoulder, wrapping his arms around him, accepting his hold. He choked on heavy sobs as he cried for the first time in years and it felt like he'd just watched He Tian leave all over again. Every emotion ran through him, agony at first and he couldn't catch his breath. Followed by resentment, anger, and emptiness.

"He fucking left me standing there in the middle of the road with no explanation, no . . . nothing. He just fucking left me. That asshole was the only constant thing that I had in my life. I could count on him to be there even when I didn't want him to be. I felt safe and I don't know why. He was such a shithead but he always made sure I was better off. Got me a job, helped my mom. Then he fucking left me there wondering why he did any of it at all. Left me wondering why he took time out of his day just to be with me."

Guan Shan trembled as he wiped at his eyes. He stepped away from Zheng Xi and tried to breathe but he hadn't let himself be consumed by this is such a long time, it was hard to stop. "I think about it every day, but what's the point? He's not coming back. I keep telling myself that but it's been five years and I still haven't moved on. Why is this so fucking hard, Xi?"

"Because you loved him."

His world stood still and it felt like the monsoon that had raged for an eternity inside his head finally made landfall and weakened until there was nothing left but broken peices that were waiting to be put back together. Guan Shan shut his eyes and sighed, a weight came off of him when he said it out loud, "I loved him."

He opened his exhausted eyes and let the acceptance wash over him, "Xi . . . I _love_ him."

Zheng Xi grinned before he turned and finished the sandwiches that had been neglected on the counter, "I know you do. Now that you know that, too, let's eat and write some new music."

_tbc...._


	2. Chapter 2

"Did you eat all of my bread?!" Guan Shan yelled from the kitchen on a Sunday morning.

Zheng Xi was sprawled across the couch with a leg hanging off, scrolling mindlessly through his phone, "Yes."

"You're dead to me."

"I know." He pushed himself up and caught Guan Shan's glare from across the room. It was nothing new.

Guan Shan was either hot or cold, day or night. It didn't take much to trigger him but Zheng Xi had learned over the years. Eating his food was a switch he didn't usually flip but sometimes he couldn't care less. He was hungry too. "I'm going to the store, I'll get more. Calm down."

"I want _three_ loaves."

Zheng Xi slipped into his jacket, "Don't push it. You'll get _two_."

"Fuck you." Guan Shan retaliated but the words had lost their bite a long time ago.

"Fuck you, too."

**\------**

  
Their band mates sometimes questioned if they were really friends and to be fair it wasn't a conventional relationship. They argued more than they agreed with each other, but when it came to their music it was one of the few things that held them together.

Guan Shan's emotional breakdown a few days before was left alone, not to be mentioned again until he did so himself. Which he wouldn't dare. He felt weak anytime he broke like that. Feeling worthless was his forte, until Zheng Xi fell so effortlessly into his daily life and made him forget about most of the bad things that used to keep his mind occupied.

He filtered it all out to a minimum and soon Zheng Xi was his new constant, a cornerstone that he would never admit to relying on. The years had changed them both and it was strange to think he had gone from hating him, to tolerating him, to depending on him more than he wanted to.

Guan Shan's mother had always adored Zheng Xi but Guan Shan knew that every time he showed up at her door for a monthly visit for dinner, she was always expecting a different person at his side.

Sometimes he wished it were a certain someone else, too. Someone he still had too many inconvenient feelings for. Someone he wanted to forget more than anything.

**\------**

  
Zhan Zheng Xi wasn't an open person by any means, but he was when it counted. Sometimes Guan Shan needed a little reinforcement when his walls were caving in and Zheng Xi knew how and when to do so. He kept it at a minimum, speaking up only when his friend was literally about to burst.

It took an entire year of them living together for Guan Shan to have a level-headed conversation with him before he realized Zheng Xi wasn't trying to start a fight. They silently worked at it, testing boundaries without ever actually opening themselves up and facing it outright.

Guan Shan's recent meltdown was only one of three times he'd ever bluntly stated what he felt or leaned on him for any sort of emotional support. Zheng Xi knew it wouldn't be the end of it but he found that he was somehow okay with that. What they shared was all he had and he'd take it as it was, there wasn't a need to push him away.

In the end they still had one thing in common. They both were left behind by someone they had cared about more than they knew, wondering what they could've done to keep them there a little longer, wondering why it happened at all, and why they still couldn't sleep some nights.

**\------**

  
The musician's life was a cruel one that at times seemed fortuitous until the nights they'd play in some off the wall bar that more than often was completely empty. They still liked the way the sounds bounced off the walls and at least the bartender got to hear it. Other nights were more successful, a small crowd of college students at best but they were easily swayed with music that no one had heard of yet. They ate it up and then moved on.

**\------**

  
Mo Guan Shan attempted his third cigarette and like the two times before he coughed his lungs up, spat, then tossed it.

Zheng Xi walked by the redhead into the warehouse they practiced in, giving him a disapproving shake of his head, "Idiot."

"I'm twenty, I can do whatever the fuck I want."

"Uh huh."

Guan Shan turned his nose in the air and waited a minute before he joined him and their two other members. Li Jie, the bassist seemed restless, "Any new lyrics yet?"

"Yeah." Guan Shan tilted his head as he adjusted the guitar around his neck.

"Let's hear it."

Guan Shan licked his lips, "Give me a beat, Xi."

(Song for this is: I Was Just a Kid by Nothing But Thieves)

Zheng Xi grabbed his drumsticks and picked a rhythm that they both agreed with. Guan Shan cleared his throat and let his fingers tap against his leg, " _I was just a kid . . . I needed answers_ . . ."

He paused and glanced back at Zheng Xi, "Make it faster."

He gave him a nod and kicked it up a notch. The rest always fell into place so easily. They molded the music around the lyrics and the vibe and in turn Guan Shan worked around them until it came together in a smooth track. It only took them two hours to peice it together and the beat was flooding Guan Shan's chest as the sweat ran down his neck. His throat burned with each line and his fingers ached as he belted out everything he'd been keeping locked away in his head.

This song was different. It meant something different.

Zheng Xi could feel it, heavy and rich with the bright red glow of anger and yearning. His heart knocked at his chest as the words sunk in and he knew exactly who Guan Shan was singing about.

" _Then you gave me something . . . something to believe in . . . 'cause I was just a kid!"_

 _"I was just a kid! How'd it get like this?!_ "

**\------**

  
Neither one spoke on the train ride home, just held onto the handgrips above them and swayed steadily with the motion of the rail car. Guan Shan went straight to the shower and didn't even eat dinner before he collapsed in his bed.

Zheng Xi sat at the kitchen table staring out through the window at the city stretched far and wide around them. The moon was hiding behind clouds and soon it was raining, making the lights below blur like a bad photograph.

He rubbed mindlessly at the hair tie on his wrist as thunder rolled through the apartment, lightning catching hold of a tall lean figure standing at the doorway to the room.

Guan Shan sat across from him silently and watched the world outside turn.

What was any of it for?

"It rained that night." His voice was a quiet echo, a light shading of charcoal on paper.

Zheng Xi followed a drop of rain as it raced down the window pane, "I remember."

"I've hated it ever since."

"Your song, it was . . ." Zheng Xi's words trailed off because he knew he was pushing it. It was better to let Guan Shan decide how much he wanted to open up and to his surprise he gave a small hum like he was amused.

"Yeah." He rubbed at his eyes, "Wasn't very subtle was it?"

"No." Zheng Xi gave a quick shake of his head but the added, "But it was the best you've done so far. It wasn't sugar coated. It was you and I respect that."

Guan Shan blinked the sleep from his eyes, "Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

"Not just for that." Guan Shan glanced back out at the night, "I know how bad I can get."

"I can handle it." Zheng Xi smirked, his features shining in the quick flashes of yellow light, "If I could handle Jian Yi, I can handle anything."

A small smile played at the corners of Guan Shan's mouth, an occurrence that happened as often as a solar eclipse. But then it faded with the string of memories that made themselves known, demanding his attention. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair that was getting too long on top of his head, "I don't want to forget about all the wild shit we used to get into together. All of us. But . . . this isn't so bad either."

The thunder rolled and where they were now was the most comfortable Guan Shan had felt in a long time. Maybe he was finally starting to move on. But he knew deep down that wasn't true. All he could do was keep writing, creating, and singing until his heart stopped beating because if he didn't, he would find an alternative.

He ran his fingertips across his wrist and swallowed the feeling down, "I have another song. Do you want to hear it?"

"Sure." Zheng Xi looked back into the kitchen, "Want a sandwich first?"

Guan Shan nodded and watched the rain for a little while longer, wondering if He Tian was drenched, dry, or six feet underground at that very moment. But he quickly pushed the thought aside and ate a sandwich with his only friend at two o'clock in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

"Shan, wake up." Zhan Zheng Xi tapped his knuckles against the door, but the man didn't move. "Mo!"

Still nothing. Zheng Xi rolled his eyes and made his way the side of the bed and clapped his hands next to his ear and yelled, "GUAN SHAN!"

"JESUS FUCK!" Guan Shan jolted halfway off the bed, panting for air as he gave Zheng Xi the nastiest look he could muster. He took a few deep breaths before he let his head fall back on the bed, "You're gonna fucking kill me before I do."

"Good. Get up, I just got a call. They gave us a spot at the convention tonight. Let's go set up. I already talked to Li Jei and Duyi about it, they're on their way." Zheng Xi left the room and let it sink in.

A minute later Guan Shan came stumbling out of the room and he couldn't help but grin, "Seriously? The convention? How many people?"

"Fifty big ones."

Guan Shan's eyes widened, "Fifty thousand? Don't fuck with me, dude."

"For once, I'm not."

 

**\------**

  
Mo Guan Shan was nervous for the first time in a long time. They'd never had an opportunity like this before, never played in front of so many people. It was huge and he prayed to whatever deity would listen that they could get their first big breakthrough.

He loved their music but he hated the public. The notion of being around so many people frustrated him. It was too many eyes looking in on him, watching his every move on stage, judging. It wasn't that he particularly cared what they thought, it was the idea that one day he'd see him out there in the middle of a crowd.

As they made their way inside the colosseum, the weight of it all started to settle on him. Any time he spotted someone tall with broad shoulders and dark hair, his heart would jump. After all this time he still searched for the same face in an endless crowd or simply walking down a sidewalk. It made his mind restless but it made his focus that much more refined when he played his guitar. Made his words feel more powerful as he sang.

 

**\------**

  
Night fell and they were ready or as ready as they could be. They had prepared a good setlist of their best songs and were going to end it with the newest one that Guan Shan had written as soon as he'd woken up from a dream he couldn't shake off.

Or maybe it had actually happened. He couldn't tell, it seemed so real and it was still as vivid as the sea of faces stretched out before them as they were about to kick the concert off for the following band.

He recalled it all the way down to the way it had made his fingers dig into his leg, bruising his skin.

 

**\------**

  
_His phone was heavy in his hand as he sat on the edge of his bed, three a.m., and listened to someone_ _breathing_ _quietly on the other end. There was no response when_ _he'd_ _answered. Not at first._

 _Then he_ _heard_ _a quiet, "Mo."_

 _His entire body ached and the hair stood on end on his arms._ " _Tian?_ "

 _Again, silence for a full minute_ _before_ _Guan_ _Shan_ _stood up, feeling his anger rising and taking over any other emotion he was capable of feeling, "Where the fuck did you go?!"_

 _More silence and he_ _heard_ _his question, his plea_ _echoing_ _in his head endlessly and then finally there was response. One he dreaded._

 _"I_ _don't_ _have any answers for you."_

 

**\------**

  
"Shan." Zheng Xi squeezed his shoulder, snapping him out of the memory. Or the dream, he still couldn't decide what it had been. "We're on."

Guan Shan swallowed down his fears and ignored the crowd, focusing on a face in his mind that he associated every lyric with. He stepped up to the mic as the crowd's polite applause faded into anticipation.

"We call ourselves Apathy and we don't need your sympathy."

Zheng Xi kicked them off with a heavy beat and it sent Guan Shan's fingers across the guitar strings in a fury like he'd been destined to do it his entire life. The crowd roared and he'd never felt more alive than when they finished thirty minutes later and the people demanded one more song.

**(For this song listen to: No Answers by Amber Run)**

Guan Shan glanced back at Zheng Xi who gave him a nod that made the redhead feel a bit more stable as he stepped back up to the mic and prepared to play the last song.

"This one is for anyone that's been left behind by someone who didn't have the fucking decency to tell you why."

The crowd screamed and Guan Shan started it off. It was slow and it burned through him from head to toe.

_"I saw you_

_And_ _I_ _knew you_

_Because you still smile in the same way_

_I found you_

_And_ _I_ _called you_

 _And through the crackle of the_ _phone_ _I heard you say"_

Guan Shan's heart clenched.

 _"Oh that,_ _I've_ _got no answers_

 _Oh that,_ _I've_ _got no answers_

_Oh that, I've got no answers for you"_

His eyes stung with unbridled tears.

_"And I want, you still_

_Like I always think that_ _I_ _will_

 _But_ _I've_ _got no answers for you"_

Guan Shan nearly broke, the crowd raged with him and he didn't know what the hell had ever made him think that any of this was a good idea. The music was supposed to be helping, not hindering his ability to cope.

" _I’ll be the shadow that you see at night_

_That shred of doubt in the back of your mind_

_A talking head, a silhouette_

_And I’ll be your old romancer_

_Your forgotten partner_

_And still I got no answers for you!"_

He turned his head away and broke off into a solo, holding it all in until it was over, which wasn't soon enough. But the moment he waved the crowd goodbye and stepped just behind the stage, he finally felt like he could breathe again.

The sweat was soaking his shirt and he was lost in his head when the next band's lead vocalist ran up to him, "Holy shit, man! That was insane! Stick around after we finish, I want you guys to talk to my manager."

"Yeah, whatever." Guan Shan brushed him off and found a chair and a cold bottle of water. He sat with his head in his hands trying to forget everything the music made him remember.

 

**\------**

  
Zheng Xi sat back on his stool in awe at the pure fire flowing from Guan Shan's lungs. He was stunned, they all were, at the sheer amount of support the crowd was giving them. It was their first big break and as the last song had ended, Zheng Xi's eyes caught sight of movement just off to the side.

He turned his head and locked onto the motion of a tall figure walking away through the stationary crowd. Dark hair, broad shoulders, an aura that glowed deeper than the darkest night.

It had to be . . .

Just as he let the name cross his mind, the guy turned and glanced back at their redheaded vocalist before his eyes flicked to Zheng Xi's.

He Tian put a finger to his lips, silently saying _hush_ with his cold grey eyes before he disappeared into the sea of bodies.


	4. Chapter 4

Zhan Zheng Xi didn't know what to do. Usually he didn't give a shit about anything to begin with, but this was huge. This was a problem, a massive one.

_This was He Tian._

It had been five whole years and he was back, he knew he hadn't imagined it. Sure, he'd imagined seeing Jian Yi in the face of every stranger with platinum blonde hair, but this wasn't a fantasy or tethered hope. This was real.

He had a decision to make or a secret to keep and he hated it because a weight this huge was the heaviest burden he'd ever held by far. What made it harder was that things had just started to look up for the both of them.

The band they'd opened for at the convention set them up with a deal to open for them for the remainder of their tour through Hong Kong. Two months. Zheng Xi didn't know if he should tell Guan Shan now or wait it out until they were finished with the tour.

"What's with your face, man?" Guan Shan asked, throwing a piece of crumpled up paper at his head as they sat in the kitchen trying to come up with something new.

"His face permanently looks like that, what do you mean?" Duyi snorted and uncrumpled the paper where it landed in front of him. "Why did you throw this out? It's pretty good."

"It's shit."

Zheng Xi took the paper from Duyi and read it over. He shook his head, "It's not shit, Guan Shan, it just needs a little work."

"Then you do it, because I'm drawing blanks here." He leaned back in his seat put his hands behind his head. "You should sing it."

"No."

Guan Shan rolled his eyes, "One of these days you're going to have to suck it up and accept that you have a good voice and you're suited for more than just my back-up."

"Did you just give me a compliment?"

"That depends, are you going to sing it or not?"

Zheng Xi glanced down at the lyrics, wondering if this would be worth it in the end. He knew He Tian was alive and well, but what about Jian Yi? One of his first thoughts when they created the band was that if they got big enough, maybe Jian Yi would see. Maybe Jian Yi would hear and he would come home.

But Zheng Xi knew that if Jian Yi had a way home, he would've come back years ago. Wouldn't he?

He sighed, "Yeah, I'll do it."

"I'll take over the drums for this one and you can lead on guitar and vocals."

"Sure."

Guan Shan gave him a funny look and Zheng Xi sensed that he knew something was wrong, but he kept the question down until the others left. Zheng Xi didn't want him to ask because he still wasn't sure if he could lie about it and the only thing he could think about was their next show and catching He Tian in the act of being a creep in the crowd again. If he knew the guy at all, he knew he'd be there because he never could stay away from Guan Shan.

If Zheng Xi could corner him, he could ask him about Jian Yi. He and Guan Shan both thought it oddly convenient that they disappeared on the same day. Gone, like they never existed. If Guan Shan knew He Tian was back before the next show it might fuck up the only opportunity he had to get answers.

In the end he made a decision, a tough one, but there were some things he had to put before everything else, even his only friend.

"Xi." Guan Shan turned away from the door after he saw Duyi and Le Jei out. The locked clicked into place beneath his fingers and he rubbed his lips together, "What's up with you?"

Zheng Xi sat in his chair still, arms crossed, staring down at the paper, "Nothing."

"You're also a bad liar." Guan Shan huffed and leaned against the table, "Cut the shit. Just tell me. Or are you the only one that gets the listen to people's problems around here?"

Zheng Xi glanced up at him, "I didn't realize you wanted to. Usually you run and hide in your room if I even so much as show an emotion."

The redhead shrugged, "I mean, when I think about it, it's kind of unfair for me to have mental breakdowns and never let you have yours. The least I can do is listen, if you want to talk. Which, by the way, you have _never_ said anything about Jian Yi, not until that night a few weeks ago. It's been five years, Zhan and we've been living together for almost three. You need to talk about it. I didn't think I'd ever want to, but ever since that night you got me to talk . . . I feel better about it."

Zheng Xi looked up at the ceiling wondering if it was even worth it to open his mouth and tell someone about what ran through his head everyday. The idea of a therapist was ridiculous and his sister would never understand. But Guan Shan, he knew what it was like. So, maybe . . .

"Okay." He stood and paced the room for a moment before he figured out where he wanted to start, but there really wasn't a point to begin with other than, "I fucking hate myself. To put it simply."

Guan Shan raised a brow, "That's not what I expected."

Zheng Xi sighed and rubbed his eyes, "Because I made Jian Yi a promise and I couldn't keep it. All I wanted to do was keep him safe and I never could and I can't fucking sleep most nights because I wonder if he's still out there waiting for me to find him. To bring him home. It eats away at me every single day. Like, how am I supposed to live with that thought constantly on my mind?"

"You've got this far already, don't stop now." Guan Shan stated quietly and shrugged. "I never thought I'd find another person that I could tolerate being around for more than five minutes at a time, but here we are. And to be honest with you, man, I almost lost my shit at the convention. I was thinking about how alone I thought I was and I realized how stupid I am."

"What do you mean?"

Guan Shan shook his head at himself, "I've been so wrapped up in my own misery all this time. But when we were out there singing to all those people it kind of hit me all of a sudden. Tian . . . he's not coming back. But if I sing for the world to hear, there's always a possibility that he'll hear it, too. Maybe one day he'll know how much damage he did. That would be enough for me. So, I want to do this tour and if we catch another break and get a record deal, then it would've all been worth it. Feels like I can finally let it go, you know? Deep down I'll always want him to come home, but what's the point of loving someone if they'll never even know?"

Zheng Xi's heart hammered in his chest because what if he was right? Was lying to his last friend worth learning that Jian Yi wasn't coming back and that this endless struggle was all for nothing.

It was a lose-lose situation but he needed to know.

"At least we've got each other, right?"

Guan Shan faked a grimaced, "That's a gross thought, but yeah . . . I appreciate you sticking around. No one else ever bothered to."

Zheng Xi watched him walk down the hall to his room. The door fell shut and he let out the breath he'd been holding.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a month and He Tian was nowhere to be found. Zheng Xi had a horrible feeling slowly settling in the pit of his gut that grew heavier after each show, after each song they wrote. Because they were getting less dark, more upbeat, and he knew then that Guan Shan really was getting better.

Zheng Xi didn't know why that stung so much. He didn't want to let go of Jian Yi just yet, but then again the possibility of ever seeing him again had always been slim to none. It was like Guan Shan had said, what was the point?

But Guan Shan didn't know that the person that had ripped a hole in his heart and in his head was much closer than he thought and Zheng Xi was the one holding the thread and needle that could stitch it all back together.

Zheng Xi was losing the last bit of hope he had left and it was showing on his face and in the lyrics he wrote.

"Shan . . ." Zheng Xi decided he didn't want to carry the lie any longer, "There's something I need to tell you."

"Hold on, I hear my phone ringing." Guan Shan ran into his room and a few minutes later he walked down the hall with a smile lighting his face. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"We're cutting the rest of this tour off, we just got a record deal and they want us on an even bigger tour through China with two really big bands."

"Oh." Zheng Xi blinked a few times before it registered, "Holy shit."

"Yeah," Guan Shan huffed, still in disbelief," they want us down in the studio this week to record some songs and put out a demo, see how it does. What did you want to tell me earlier?"

He wanted to say that everything he'd been waiting for was just out of his reach and who was he to deny him that?

He was an asshole, is what he was. Zheng Xi shook his head and swallowed down his guilt, "It was nothing. I've got more lyrics if you want to take a look."

"Alright."

**\------**

  
Guan Shan's pale brown eyes were alight for the first time in his entire life and it seemed like nothing would ever bring him down again. They had a good thing going and by the time another few weeks had passed, they had begun to gain popularity. So much that they started to see their faces on signs in the city as they rode to their next show.

Something inside of him kept telling him that the feeling wouldn't last, but he fought it. He fought hard up until the moment they were driving through traffic, people lined up to see the show, anticipation in the air. Guan Shan was struck down the moment he glanced into the swarm of bodies outside the arena and there he saw a face that went by too fast. A face that had him looking back, craning his neck so far it hurt.

Steel grey eyes that tore him to pieces locked onto his and he felt his breath falling short. He sat back hard in the seat, avoiding a concerned stare from his drummer. His anxiety peaked and the next thing he knew they were walking down the hall to set up backstage and Zheng Xi's hands were on his shoulders, backing him away from everyone else until they were alone and it was silent.

"We don't have to do this, Guan Shan. If it's too much you need to say so right now."

"It's not . . . " He shook his head trying to will away the images that were laying waste to his mind. They never faded and as they stepped up on stage and accepted the applause of one-hundred thousand fans, he felt his resolve crumble because in that moment he saw his face everywhere on everyone. As he sang, it wasn't to a crowd of people . . . it to He Tian. Every word, every strum of his fingers were meant for him once again and it was like he'd never stopped directing any of it at him all.

And the funny thing was that it was probably a stranger with the same color eyes, same dark feather-light hair, shoulders that held like impenetrable walls. It was probably just coincidence and he realized that he would always be weak and he'd never stop aching for just one more moment with him.

_Just a moment would be fine._

That was the moment he took a turn for the worst, falling into a never-ending downward spiral. It was worse than before, worse than the first week without him. Worse than a blade between his fingers.

Guan Shan was drowning but he couldn't stop making music, wouldn't stop because it was the only thing keeping him alive at that point. The music and Zhan Zheng Xi who he felt he owed. Since the day he busted his head open with a rock in junior high, he always felt like he needed to make up for it and every harsh word he ever threw his way.

**\------**

  
The shows became worse as they grew even bigger. The crowds expanded, their fame was rising at an impressive speed but he couldn't control how fucking awful he felt. He'd always wanted He Tian to hear it, always wanted to see him again. But when he saw him standing there just out of the corner of his eye each time he screamed his lungs out with each song, the more his mind crumbled to pieces.

It wasn't real and he was breaking, hallucinating to the point where he could smell his faint cologne in the middle of the night.

**\------**

  
"Shan, talk to me, please." Zheng Xi hung around outside of his door, "You were doing so good and I thought you were finally okay. What happened?"

Guan Shan was staring into his open closet, face drenched in salty hot tears as he looked at the black jacket that still hung there, taunting him. He sniffed and didn't have the energy to object when Zheng Xi opened the door cautiously.

"Hey."

Guan Shan tore his eyes away from the jacket and stared at the floor, "I'm losing my fucking mind . . . I see him now everywhere I go. He's always in the crowd, far enough away that I can never be sure if it's real or just an illusion and I can't do this anymore."

"Sit down and breathe." Zheng Xi sat on the edge of Guan Shan's bed and waited until the bed dipped beneath his weight. "You've seen him?"

Guan Shan shrugged, "I don't know."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah." Guan Shan wiped at his face that was splotchy and raw.

"Why did you care so much about him? I thought he was an asshole."

Guan Shan gave a small laugh and shook his head, "He was, but in the end . . . he wasn't. It was about a week before he left when I saw who he really was."

**\------**

_One Day (flashback)_

  
_It was a Wednesday afternoon during summer break and it was nice outside for once. He Tian had showed up at his door bright and early as usual, immediately putting Guan Shan in an ill mood._

_He Tian wasn't fazed in the slightest and dragged him all over town just because he felt like it. Guan Shan didn't have the energy to fight him anymore, just walked along until his feet hurt._

_They were waiting to cross the road and Guan Shan looked over at him to see that He Tian had his gaze fixated on something just down the road. There was a small child crying, her mother trying to console her and all he could hear was, "Where's my puppy?"_

_And just like that Tian was bolting into oncoming traffic, leaving Guan Shan standing there in shock not knowing what to do but watch it happen all too fast._

_He Tian reached out and grabbed a small puppy and tossed him onto the sidewalk before a car slammed into him, sending him onto the windshield that cracked beneath his weight._

_Guan Shan didn't call his name often but it pierced his own ears as he weaved in and out of the cars that had hit the brakes with the commotion._

_"TIAN!" Guan Shan fell to his knees, tearing a hole in his jeans. Tian was unconscious, blood seeping from a cut across his head and Guan Shan was shaking so hard he almost couldn't speak. He cradled his head and shook his shoulder but to no avail._

_"Fuck! Someone call for help!" Guan Shan was crying, he knew he was and he almost punched the paramedics when they refused to let him ride in the ambulance. He took off running down the sidewalk toward the hospital and made it there only ten minutes after they did._

_They made him wait and he did. For three hours he sat and bounced his leg, pacing, until a nurse let him through._

_He Tian was still under, bandages wrapped around his head, one around his chest. Guan Shan sank into the chair beside his bed and sighed._

_"Tian, you dumb shit."_

_He didn't know when he fell asleep but he woke up with a headache and a sore neck with He Tian watching him from the hospital bed. "Why did you stay?"_

_Guan Shan bristled, "Why the hell did you jump in front of a car to save a dog?!"_

_He Tian looked away and didn't answer and Guan Shan was confused. His temper disappeared with the look on He Tian's face. Like he was lost._

_"I saved a dog once." Tian said quietly as he stared out of the window, "My dad wouldn't let us keep so he made my brother kill it."_

_"Why are you telling me this?"_

_"I wouldn't want that little girl to be robbed of something so innocent like I was." Tian rolled his head to the side, "My family isn't the very loving type. I don't have anyone, Guan Shan. No one but you."_

_Guan Shan's heart was pounding, "Stop saying stupid shit."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_Guan Shan rubbed his face and let his voice drop, "If I'm the only thing you have, then why would run out into traffic? Why would you almost let yourself be killed over something so small . . . right in front of me?"_

_He Tian grinned faintly, "Because I knew you were there. I knew you'd try to help no matter what because I know you, Mo. You're not a bad person like you want some people to believe."_

_Guan Shan swallowed down the feeling that flooded him; recognition and pride and something else he wasn't used to. He suddenly felt protective of an idiot that was too stupid for his own good sometimes. A man that couldn't cook to save his own life. A man who was not what he had him made out to be._

_"Tian . . ."_

_"The only person that doesn't know how great you are, is yourself." He Tian blinked slowly, tired from medication. "That's what I've been trying to show you all this time."_

_For only the second time in his presence, tears stung at Guan Shan's eyes and he hid it like he'd done his whole life. "Why are - why are you telling me this now?"_

_He Tian smirked, masking the things he really wanted to show. Things like the fear of his own family and losing the one thing he treasured. The thing that had hair as red as dying leaves in the fall and a temper that rivaled Hades himself._

_He shook his head, "Don't worry about it, Little Mo."_

**\------**

  
"Tian hid things well behind that confident fearless demeanor that he displayed for everyone." Guan Shan wiped at his face one more time. "He was scared of something and I've never seen him look at anything the way he looked at me before he left. It was . . . God, I don't even know, like he was being torn in two. Like he'd been forced to make a decision that he couldn't just walk away from without choosing one or the other."

Zheng Xi took a deep breath, "Guan Shan, you're not . . ."

A heavy tension filled the air in the room. "I'm not what?"

"You're not the only one that's seen him." Zheng Xi braced himself, "In the crowd. I saw him, too. Just once."

The silence became so thick his ears were ringing, waiting on Guan Shan to say anything. But there was nothing, just quiet footsteps as Guan Shan stepped to the closet, slipped into the black jacket he always refused to wear, then he left.

The front door clicked shut and Zheng Xi was left sitting on the bed wondering if it was worth the ass kicking he'd probably get if he went after him.

"Yeah, why the hell not?" He said to himself and just before he reached for the lock on the door, his phone chimed.

 **Unknown Number** : _"_ _Zhan XiXi, I'm at the entrance of North Station. Come quick."_


	6. Chapter 6

_One Day (flashback)_

_"Why are you here? It's about to fucking storm, go home and get out of my hair." Guan Shan grumbled as he left the front door open and wandered back into the kitchen where he was preparing soup for his mom for when she came home from work later that night._

_He Tian shut the door quietly and he couldn't keep his eyes off the rigid shoulders that moved beneath Guan Shan's shirt as he stirred, "It smells wonderful in here."_

_"I asked you why you were here, or are you deaf all of a sudden?"_

_"Just wanted to see you for a moment." He Tian responded softly, heart skipping a beat when Guan Shan's stirring faltered for a split second._

_He Tian loved watching him cook. It was such an innocent domestic thing that he'd romanticized long ago. It was a tender act, someone creating something for someone else. He Tian never had the warm household full of kind conversations and family, turning circles around one another as they set the table. There were no family gatherings, no 'how was school today sweetie'. There was nothing but reminders of how uneventful and dark his world was._

_He had tried so hard to fill that void with Guan Shan and his colorful personality that had painted murals on his blank soul. Now he had to let it all go._

_He Tian stepped up beside him and looked into the pot curiously, "Can I taste it?"_

_After all, it'd probably be the last good thing he'd taste for a long while. His stomach sank with that fact and he put up a fake grin when Guan Shan spooned some of the liquid and held it out for him. It was decedent, filling him with comfort and a feeling of being home when he didn't really have one._

_"It's perfect." Tian smiled down at him, "As always."_

_"Hmf." Guan Shan made another spoonful and sipped at it, approving of the taste. He looked over at He Tian wondering why he was grinning like the evil little shit he was._

_Guan Shan glanced at the spoon in his hand and he realized, "Shit."_

_Another indirect kiss, but at this point he didn't care. His mind was too cluttered and confused to care about their lips touching the same spoon._

_He Tian disappeared into Guan Shan's room with him hot on his heels ready to fight. "I didn't say you could come in here!"_

_His words fell on deaf ears as He Tian stepped out onto the balcony and stared out at the storm coming their way in the distance. He Cheng was still waiting in the car in the road below and he felt his heart quickening. They were running out of time._

_"Guan Shan."_

_"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Mo stood there with his arms crossed, fighting off the anxiety building in his gut, "All week you've been quiet and just stare off at everything all contemplative. It's fucking weird."_

_He Tian turned his head, "Would you prefer me to annoy you?"_

_Guan Shan huffed, "No . . . it's just, that's what I'm used to. You annoy me no matter what. But something has changed and I don't do well with change. You're like a different person now since the accident."_

_"Which person would you prefer me to be?"_

_Guan Shan didn't have an answer, he didn't have a preference. All he wanted was to know why he felt this way about him all of a sudden. Like he actually gave a shit about what happened to him now._

_He Tian took a deep breath and let it go with the wind that was picking up, "I have to go."_

_"Why did you even come here if you only planned on staying for five minutes?" Guan Shan bit his tongue because his words made it seem like he wanted him to stay even longer. Maybe even have dinner. He turned back into his room to get away from his sad eyes._

_Why did he look so fucking sad?_

_"Mo." He Tian followed him back into the kitchen and he could nearly taste the tension in the room._

_"If you're leaving, then leave. I have things to do."_

_"If I could stay, would you want me to?"_

_Guan Shan rubbed his lips together, "With this He Tian . . . maybe. This He Tian doesn't seem like such a bad guy."_

_"I'm sorry you couldn't get to know this He Tian better. I'll always regret that." Tian clenched his jaw as he headed for the door. "Goodbye, Little Mo."_

_Guan Shan's heartbeat kicked it up a notch and he found himself taking a step after him, "Tian, if you're in trouble you know my mother doesn't mind helping. If you need a place to stay, she'll insist."_

_"What about you?"_

_He Tian stood there looking down at him, one foot out the door and Guan Shan didn't have an answer. Lately, he never did and that scared the shit out of him._

_"I -" his words were cut short, strong and surprisingly soft hands were on his face. He Tian pressed their lips together for the second time, but this time there wasn't a firm hand gripping his jaw and forcing a tongue down his throat. It was real and it stung because it was so fucking heavy with words that Tian didn't have time for._

_Guan Shan wanted to react, push him away and fight like his instincts always told him to every time someone got too close. But all of that was gone. His anger was smothered and all he could do was grab Tian's shirt in his fists._

_Tian sighed against his face when he pulled away, "Take care of yourself, please . . . for me."_

_He left Guan Shan standing there in a confused silence. He was halfway into the street, reaching for the handle to his brother's car when he heard shoes on the concrete._

_"He Tian! What the fuck does that even mean?!" Guan Shan was shaking now as he watched the guy give him one more heartbreaking look before he stepped into the car and shut the door. "TIAN! What the fuck is going on?! Where are you going?!"_

_The car began to pull away and Guan Shan felt his chest caving, his feet running after him, "TIAN, WAIT!"_

_But he didn't, the car vanished into the horizon and Guan Shan slowed to a stop, breathless. "Please . . ."_

_The thunder rolled deeply all around him and he felt empty. Like he'd just lost something that he realized was important, but he'd figured it out too late._

_His phone rang and he pressed it to his ear numbly. Zheng Xi's voice was on the other end, "Jian Yi . . . he's gone. Is He Tian with you?"_

_Guan Shan let the tears fall down, "He's gone, too."_

 

 

 

_**\------** _

  
Guan Shan sighed into the evening air as the sun was sinking around him, washing the buildings in an ambient orange glow. North Station was just ahead and he heard kids laughing and playing in the park just to his right.

He paused for a moment, letting the wind run through his hair. There was a woman and a girl, maybe ten years old now and that seemed about right. She was tossing a dog toy, a golden retriever chasing after it happily. Guan Shan had seen them there occasionally for the past five years, every since He Tian had tossed the same dog out of the road and saved it's life. He'd watched the little girl grow along with the dog, observing the happiness that He Tian had created and five years later it was still there.

Guan Shan forced himself to keep moving, but he didn't even know where he was going. Maybe he'd catch the next train going somewhere, anywhere but here. Forget about the music he'd yet to make.

Was Zheng Xi telling him the truth about seeing He Tian, or was he just trying to make him feel a little less insane?

Guan Shan heard someone coming fast, labored breathing and he barely moved out of Zheng Xi's way as he barreled past him looking all too desperate.

"Zhan!" Guan Shan called after him and couldn't stop himself from following

"Jian Yi!"

Guan Shan came to a halt just outside of North Station and watched as his friend dodged bodies just to slam into another one who had hair as bright as the full moon.

Jian Yi looked so different. He was taller, hair pulled up carelessly into a bun on top of his head and he was dressed in clothes that fit him well. He seemed very fit for someone that used to trip over his own feet.

Guan Shan's heart broke just a little bit more because maybe this was the end of it all. Zheng Xi wouldn't need him around anymore now that he had finally found his person again. Maybe he'd be alone, left to himself with nothing to stop himself from drowning in his own misery.

"You piece of shit, Jian Yi!" He heard Zheng Xi's voice getting closer.

Guan Shan jolted a second later when he was yanked foward by the arm. Zheng Xi had a grip on the both of them and he was red with fury. "We're going home. All of us."

"XiXi! Why'd you have to hit so hard, I thought you missed me!" Yi whined and a familiar pathetic pout graced his face before he broke into a smile a second later, "Mo Guan Shan!"

Mo rolled his eyes. Perhaps things hadn't really changed at all.

**\------**

"Where have you been?!"

Guan Shan stood off to the side once they were back at the apartment. Zheng Xi slung his jacket off and stormed at Jian Yi who was backing himself into the living room, hands up in defense.

"I'm not supposed to say!"

"Jian Yi!"

"Okay!" Yi sagged, "It was my dad, he . . . abducted me, again. This time I couldn't get away. Spent three years trying to."

"What about the other two years?" Guan Shan asked from the other room. Zheng Xi waited for an answer.

"We've spent the last two years running."

"We?"

Jian Yi was sweating, "I can't say anything else, XiXi! I wasn't even supposed to be at North Station! I just . . . wanted to see you. Please, don't make me say anything else."

Guan Shan raised a brow when Zheng Xi looked back at him. Then he turned and yanked Yi off the the wall into a hug. "You idiot."

Zheng Xi pressed their foreheads together and sighed, "I loved you, you know that, right?"

"I know and I'm sorry I couldn't fight back. I was small back then, but this time I'll be the one to protect you, XiXi." Jian Yi felt his lip trembling, "They taught me things. I'm not a kid anymore."

"You're still an idiot." Zheng Yi cupped his jaw and his skin was still as soft as ever, "But you're still _my_ idiot."

Guan Shan grabbed his guitar and walked to the door, looking away when they kissed.

"Where are you going?"

"We're late. The show starts in an hour at the convention, remember?"

Zheng Xi closed his eyes, "Shit."

Jian Yi grinned, "That's right. You guys are big rock stars now. Your faces are everywhere."

 

 

 

**\------**

  
Guan Shan let everything else fade away until he was staring out into nothing, the crowd's yells were nothing but whispers. Until he felt like he was playing to an empty room with nothing to prove. This wasn't for anyone, no one but himself and he gave it all he had left. There wasn't much.

**(For this song listen to Ben Howard - Small Things)**

_All in my mind_

_I walked down Mayflower Road again_

_The wailing sound_

_Echoes from the park seems so absurd_

_The bird stained towers_

_I knew it would but I can’t shake the sting_

_Can’t spend my time on everybody else_

_If buildings fell at least we’d be in matrimony_

_I can't control the words_

_Kaleidoscope inside my head_

Guan Shan refused to open his eyes because he knew he would see him again.

_Has the world gone mad_

_Or is it me?_

_All these small things they gather round me_

_Gather round me_

_Is it all so very bad?_

_I can’t see_

_All these small things they gather round me_

_Gather round me_

**\------**

Off stage Zheng Xi wouldn't let Jian Yi out of his sight, keeping his hand in his. Guan Shan was having a hard time, he could see it in the way he wouldn't even look their way, but he understood.

"Guan Shan, wait."

"I'm happy for you, Xi. I really am and I'm glad Jian Yi is okay. I just need to get away for a minute." Guan Shan left his things and pulled his jacket on. Tian's jacket.

"Where are you going?"

"For a walk. Don't come looking for me either."

Jian Yi squeezed Xi's fingers, "I should tell him even though I'm not supposed to."

"Tell him what?"

"That He Tian has been here for months. We all have." Jian Yi swallowed, "I shouldn't be here, I need to go back."

"You're not leaving me again!" Zheng Xi clutched at his shirt when he started walking away. "I just got you back."

Jian Yi spun out of his grasp so easily it startled Zhan, "This is more complicated than you know and I'll tell you more when I can. Just . . . please, XiXi. Let me go. This won't be the last time you see me."

Jian Yi brushed his hair away from his face before he leaned in and planted a soft kiss against his mouth. "I promise."

Zheng Xi watched him mix with the crowd once he was outside and once again he was left with more questions and a unwavering need be near him again. "Jian Yi . . ."

**\------**

Mo Guan Shan was walking mindlessly down the sidewalk, dodging glances from people who probably knew his face. He felt violated knowing he could glance up and see his own reflection glaring down at him from billboards.

He didn't want this anymore. The only thing he wanted was nowhere to be found but in the dark recesses of his mind, nonexistent except only in hallucinations and blurry memories.

In his dreams.

A familiar intersection presented itself and there was nothing stopping him from walking into oncoming traffic toward the same spot He Tian had saved an innocent life.

Guan Shan wasn't innocent, so he didn't need to be saved. He just didn't want to feel anything else. Even blinking was becoming such a tiring act.

Horns blared around him, lights flew by in streaked flashes, bright and blinding reminding him of nights that he was dragged along for adventures he didn't want any part in. But those things had stuck with him through all the countless days he'd spent alone without him. Those nights had meant something. Those faint brushes of his fingers, subtle gazes as he watched him cook with a dark cloud over his head. A dark cloud that had cleared somewhere along the way.

Guan Shan took another step and was hit by something soft and warm. Not at all what he figured a car would feel like, but he really was in no place to object. His head hit the pavement and he felt pinned.

Guan Shan took a deep breath that he anticipated would hurt but it didn't and his head buzzed with that familiar smell of faint cologne. He opened his eyes, vision blurry but quickly becoming clearer only to reveal a dark looming figure hovering just inches from his face.

Grey eyes stared down into his own as the man heaved in air.

Guan Shan blinked, waiting for him to disappear. His heart pounded when he didn't.

"Tian?"

He Tian grinned and tears stung at Guan Shan's eyes.

"You're not dying today, Little Mo."


	7. Chapter 7

Zheng Xi fell to the couch when he'd finally got all of their equipment up to the apartment after the fifth trip down to the lobby. He rubbed hard at his face, waiting to wake up from whatever dream he was in.

Jian Yi had come home. But he was out there right now, somewhere, not sitting next to him and it made his chest feel like it was caving in. There was nothing he could do but wait. No big deal, he had waited five years. What was another day?

It felt like a lifetime.

Zheng Xi jumped when there was a knock at the door. His feet wouldn't move fast enough and his heart did a flip, but for other reasons when he looked through the hole. He swung the door open with a glare already in place for the man behind it.

He Tian grinned, "Zhan Zheng Xi, you've gotten so tall and handsome I almost don't recognize you."

"You recognized me well enough on the stage that day."

He Tian hummed, "True. Thank you for keeping my secret for as long as you did."

"Why the hell is he slung over your shoulder?" Zheng Xi's words bit. He was honestly tired of the stereotypical violence between them.

"He hit his head pretty hard."

Zheng Xi clenched his fist. He Tian saw his fingers clenching at his side and he smirked, "He hit his head after I tackled him out of oncoming traffic."

"What? Why would he -"

"He's getting heavy, please let me in." He Tian slipped past him and into the apartment, following Zheng Xi's direction until he made it to Guan Shan's bedroom. The bed bounced with the dead weight that fell on it suddenly. Tian picked his head up and pushed a pillow beneath it for support. When he turned, a strong fist connected with his jaw and made him take a step back to regain his balance.

He rubbed at his face, "That's fair."

"You deserve a lot more than that." Zheng Xi was calm but furious, "Do you have any idea what you put him through?"

He Tian couldn't answer. Did he really know? Not entirely, but every song he'd watched them perform made him understand just a little more. Every word that poured from Guan Shan's lips were sharp and clear, full of emotion and raw with pain.

Was it all meant for him? He didn't like to think so, because that meant more damage had been done than he thought possible. It meant Guan Shan had cared quite a lot and He Tian felt sick with the thought. They could've been more, at least he had hoped but nothing ever turned out the way he wanted it to.

Everytime something good happened in his life, something greater and worse came along to rip it all away from him. It was the story of his life.

"The last thing I wanted was to leave him, Zhan."

"But you did."

"I did." He Tian glanced down at Guan Shan, still passed out and breathing evenly, "I have a good reason."

Zheng Xi shook his head, "Don't tell me. Tell _him_."

He Tian watched him leave the room just as his phone buzzed in his pocket. Tian answered, "What is it?"

He Cheng sighed, exhausted, "I'm with Jian Yi, where are you?"

"At their apartment."

"I told you not to get involved. Jian Yi's little field trip was enough of a risk. Someone probably spotted him. Now you're at their god damn apartment. Tian, we talked about this."

"If they saw Jian Yi yesterday, then they know this is where he went. They would've raided it by now, so I think we're in the clear for tonight at least."

"This means they're a part of this now, Tian. Can you deal with it if something happens?" Cheng waited as a small silence spread between them. "It's on you if one of them dies."

"Nothing is going to happen that we can't handle. So, shut the hell up and get here." He Tian hung up and carefully pulled the blinds back on the window, searching the streets for anything out of place. There was nothing, for the time being.

Carefully, he sat next to Guan Shan's resting form and reached over to brush the hair away from his warm forehead. This was what he'd wanted for five years, to be this close again instead of watching him from afar. There had been an entire country between them for half a decade.

The street lights bathed the room in a soft orange glow, making lines stretch over the bed and across Guan Shan's face. Seeing him over the television and on billboards was torture enough, but being there inches away was the most he'd hurt since the day he left him running down the pavement, screaming his name.

The ache of being shot, punched, and kicked in the ribs had never compared to the way it felt to force himself to keep his distance when they came back into town three months ago.

To see him so much taller with more meat on his bones, lean and strong, eyes deeper and more piercing than ever, it was hell. He Tian had never wanted to dig his nails into his own skin before but there were faint scabs on the insides of his palms nonetheless.

As much as he wanted to lean down and brush the tip of his nose across his skin just to feel him again, alive and warm and furious, he resigned himself to sitting there watching over him instead.

**\------**

  
"I'm dead." Guan Shan whispered with finality into the quiet room.

He Tian looked down at him as he layed there with his eyes barely open, gazing up at him.

"Why would you be dead?"

"Why else would you be here?" Guan Shan swallowed, feeling the painfully obvious throbbing in his head, "You're not real. I see you everywhere I go, why would this be any different?"

"Could you touch me if I wasn't real?" He Tian watched the subtle fear spread across Guan Shan's face before he slowly lifted his hand that held a tremble.

The tips of his fingers brushed Tian's face and his heart clenched so hard it hurt. A lump formed in his throat and his voice cracked with each word, "Tian . . . I'll fucking kill you."

"You already have." He Tian turned into his warm hand and let his lips brush against his palm.

Guan Shan drew his hand away, "Help me up so I can beat the shit out of you."

"Whatever makes you happy."

Guan Shan knew he didn't have the strength or the energy to even swing his arms at him as he helped him off the bed, but he did what he could. It was a pitiful attempt that ended with his head pressed against Tian's chest and his weak hands curled in his shirt. Much like the day he had left with a heavy kiss and a sudden goodbye.

Guan Shan drew in a deep breath and tried to yell at him, tried to get out all the feelings he had, but he was so full of things he had once refused to let consume him. It was all bubbling over now and all he could do was choke on a sob and pull him closer, tucking his face into his neck. Breathing him in was like inhaling a drug he'd never had, overwhelming and intoxicating to the point that he was dizzy, wanting more but refusing.

"Why did you leave when I was just getting to know you? Why did you fucking leave when I started to care?"

"I didn't want -"

Guan Shan shoved him away, "Then why?! Why did you fucking watch me chase after you like some fucked up drama on t.v.?! I wanted you to stay, Tian! I wanted . . ."

"You know I would've stayed if I could have, Mo."

Guan Shan brushed away fresh tears, dirtying the jacket that was six years out of style, "So fucking give me an answer, you asshole! I've waited five fucking years for this moment and all I want is to hear is you come up with an excuse for why you kissed me the way you did and left me wondering what the fuck was wrong with me for falling in love with you after you were already gone!"

He Tian's face was unreadable in the dim light but Guan Shan could see the pulse in his neck quickening in the shred of light that rested on his skin.

"Do you want an excuse or the truth?" Tian whispered, his fingers itching to touch.

Guan Shan's heartbeat was erratic, his fury far from gone, "I want you to fucking _kiss me_."

And if a kiss could have killed, Guan Shan would have gladly died right there. He'd let his body rot away on the hardwood floor if meant the last thing he felt was this. This relief, like he'd been just beneath the water's surface for one thousand eight hundred and twenty-five days and he'd finally breached it, taking his first breath.

This ache, like he'd never get to have it again. Fingers gripping too hard for fear of losing it even though he had it right there in the palms of his hand.

This heat, like he would be swallowed in fire if he so much as breathed out and fanned the flames.

This kiss. So harsh, filled with tongue, teeth, and pent up want that went unattended for too fucking long. So fucking long.

Tian tasted blood and it was the only reason he pulled back, but what was a reunion between the two of them if it didn't involve blood and tension as thick as steel?

"Truth." Guan Shan wiped at the tiny cut on his bottom lip, "I want the truth, Tian."

"It's a long story."

"I'm not going anywhere." Guan Shan eyed him in the dark, "Are you?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than I wanted. But I work entirely too much and have less down time. Forgive me.

"What is this, a He family reunion?" Guan Shan huffed at the sight before him. He Cheng didn't respond as usual, always quiet unless he had something important to contribute.

Jian Yi was on the sofa, arms wrapped around Zheng Xi's shoulders where he was sitting on the floor in front of him. "We need to talk."

"No shit." Guan Shan sank into a chair so He Tian wouldn't be able to sit beside him. He was still pissed off beyond recognition and he couldn't promise that he wouldn't start swinging his fists if he ever got an ounce of his energy back. The headache hadn't receded either.

"From the top. We're waiting." Zheng Xi leaned into Jian Yi's hold and looked over at the brothers expectantly.

Jian Yi shifted, "It starts with me actually. My dad's lackeys showed up again and my mom wasn't there to stop them this time. Even after she figured it out and called him, he wouldn't let me go. Told me I was next in line to run his underground empire and that he'd whip me into shape in no time. I learned, but that didn't mean I wasn't trying to run away every chance I got."

Guan Shan rubbed at his sore eyes, taking a deep breath to calm his raging headache, "How do either of you play into this?"

Tian met his pointed stare head on, "We went after him."

"Why?"

Cheng sat up straighter, "You have no idea what they are capable of. A life spent living like that is usually a short one. He was only fifteen."

Guan Shan shrugged, "So what? You didn't even know him. So, I'll ask you again. Why?"

He Tian spoke up when his brother clenched his jaw, "He did it because of me. I wanted to go after Jian Yi because I know what that life is like and it takes everything you have to give just to get your foot out the door. I asked for his help because like Jian Yi, I was only fifteen."

He Cheng finally found what he wanted to say, "Our father wasn't the best role model and when you grow up watching your little brother try to have a childhood but end up with bloody hands and no family or friends instead, it wasn't hard to make the decision to go after Jian Yi. No one deserves that life. It took me years to get out even after our father died, even longer to find a place to keep Tian safe where he could go to school without wondering if he was going to die the next day."

Guan Shan raised a brow, "Is that the reason you were never around and Tian always fucking hated you? Because he didn't know you were watching out for him the whole time?"

He Tian smirked, "Yeah, it's something like that. Anyway, it took a really long time to track them down. We'd find a safehouse and learn it had been empty for days but we'd just keep going. Reeled them in slowly for three years and finally caught a break."

Jian Yi snickered, "This is the funny part."

Tian shook his head, "We were tailing them, Jian Yi and two bodyguards walking through a market. Suddenly Jian Yi screams and I'm not talking like a small yelp. I mean blood curdling, ear piercing wail and everyone stops to look. Jian Yi turns around and looks at the two guards and goes 'Did you just touch my virgin ass?!' and let me tell you, I've never seen a hoard of old women move so fast in my life. They literally attacked the guys for supposedly assaulting that idiot right there, but that was the only moment we had. We stole him away and worked our way back here. Saying that it's been a long five years is an understatement."

Zheng Xi let his grin fade, "That's uh, yeah, that's incredible and I can totally see Jian Yi screaming like a bitch to save his own ass, but did it at any point occur to you to tell either of us anything before you two took off to save the day?"

He Cheng shrugged, "That was time we didn't have."

"But you had time to let your brother stop by and say goodbye to a certain someone and break his fucking heart." Zheng Xi looked like he was ready to fight and Guan Shan didn't know what to think. Zhan had never shown any sort of defensiveness for him at all. Until now. "It wouldn't have taken much to say why you were leaving, He Tian. In the amount of time it took you to wreck his life, you could have said _anything_."

Tian blinked slowly, "I didn't think I'd make it back alive. There was no point in telling either of you if none us would ever come home. Some things are better left unanswered."

"You assume a lot. I think you should stop." Guan Shan leaned his elbows against his knees and stared Tian down, "You also have the same tell when you're keeping something from me. So cut the shit and say whatever it is you're not saying."

"Guan Shan -"

Mo stood and waved him off as he moved toward the door, "I waited five years for you to come back and give me answers. I just told you I wanted the truth and you're still lying to me after all of this. I was a fucking idiot to tell myself I could trust you."

He Cheng shook his head, "I advise you not to leave this apartment. They could be watching."

Guan Shan nearly exploded, "Who?! Who the fuck is watching?! Why is Jian Yi so important?! When will they stop?! These are the kind of answers we need to fucking hear! Do you understand?! We've been in the dark long enough!"

He Tian stepped his way, reaching for him, "Guan Shan, calm down. This is an extremely delicate matter and I'm sure you'll regret asking the moment I tell you. Just, please, step away from the door."

Guan Shan pulled his brows together in frustration, head pounding even harder, his blood pressure was rising and it was making him dizzy. He couldn't believe he'd had his tongue down Tian's throat no more than twenty minutes ago. He couldn't believe he had the audacity to lie to him again.

He felt stupid for thinking something would change, that Tian wouldn't hide anything else. But here they were in a staring contest with Guan Shan's fingers on the door handle and Tian's hand outstretched in offering.

Honestly who fucking cared if there were people watching and waiting for them to move? At this point, the faster Guan Shan left this world the better he'd feel.

He looked down at Tian's long fingers seeing scars and stories that he was curious to hear. Tian felt different, like he was cracking on the surface,  barely holding it in and Guan Shan could see it on his face. His eyes were clouded. His hair didn't hide his face anymore, it was shorter and messier than before. Peices of midnight hair still hung precariously, inticingly, and Guan Shan wanted to touch this new person he still never got to know.

"Shan."

Guan Shan snapped out of his thoughts and realized that Zheng Xi was standing in front of him, holding him up against the door.

"You almost passed out, you need to lie down. Is your head hurting?"

Guan Shan nodded, confused and tired. He leaned into his friend and swatted at Tian as he passed, "Don't let him in my room."

Zheng Xi sighed, "You know I can't stop him. Lay down and I'll bring you some medicine."

Guan Shan swallowed down the pills when he returned. Before he stepped away, Guan Shan caught his arm, "Thank you . . . Zheng Xi."

"For what?"

Guan Shan let his hand fall away, "I feel like I've been lied to my entire life but you've always been honest. I just . . . want to know if I should waste my time on him or let him disappear again. I want to know if you think he's worth it."

Zheng Xi sat on the bed beside him, "Guan Shan, I can't make that decision for you. But I know you and I know you'll go insane without him. Whatever it is that always pulls you two together, needs to be acknowledged whether he leaves again or not. Tian is different and I don't know him very well but he always seems to want to do what he thinks is best for you. So, I think you guys need to talk. Not just fucking yell at each other and hide what you feel. Just talk, Shan. That's all I can tell you and I want you to know that after all this plays out, I don't want you to think I was only friends with you because neither of us had anyone. We understand each other and through all the rough nights, arguing, and trying to hold ourselves together you became my best friend. Remember that, okay?"

"Okay." Guan Shan responded, dumbfounded at his bluntness that somehow after all these years still caught him off guard sometimes. He watched him leave and close the door with a quiet click.

Guan Shan fell back onto his pillows and stared at the ceiling, feeling the cut on his lip sting anytime he ran his tongue across it. He drifted off with the bitter taste of iron in the back of his throat and he dreamed of things he hadn't in a long time. Dreams of the bright halls in junior high, the emptiness he felt throughout high school, and the old restaurant he worked at until they formed their band. It made him think of long nights spent at Tian's, cooking and fending off his grabby hands that he missed so much it hurt.

"Hm." He mumbled as he woke slowly, stretching carelessly making his hands bump into something solid and warm. Guan Shan poked at the soft body until he finally opened his eyes to find Tian lying there beside him, eyes cracked open just slightly.

In the morning light Guan Shan could see him more clearly. He was beautiful and worn down all at the same time. Weathered eyes and a tired face that still managed to grow more handsome than before.

Tian caught his wandering fingers in his, linking their hands and holding them to his chest, "How do you feel?"

"Better." Guan Shan whispered just before he sighed and closed his eyes again, "I want to talk."

"Sure. What about?"

"Everything."

Tian leaned in closer and Guan Shan opened his eyes again, moving back looking disgusted. For a moment Tian felt like they were back to being fifteen year olds and he was overstepping his boundaries just for the sake of Guan Shan's reaction.

But it all faded when Guan Shan pressed a quick fleeting kiss to his dry lips and got out of the bed, "Brush your teeth first before you stick your tongue down my throat again."

He Tian smiled to himself before he pushed his sore body from the mattress and followed him like a puppy into the bathroom. His arm instinctively slung over Guan Shan's shoulder as they stood there brushing their teeth together. A grin stuck on Tian's face while Guan Shan grumbled.

He'd missed this.


	9. Chapter 9

"Where are you going?" Cheng stood from his seat in the quiet kitchen as the sun rose. Tian was right behind Guan Shan as he unlocked the front door.

"Getting food. We'll be back soon."

Cheng watched them warily, "Fine. Keep your phone on."

"Always do." Tian gave him a wave and shut the door behind him, listening to his brother latch it behind them.

**\------**

  
Jian Yi was lying against Zhan Zheng Xi's spare pillow watching him sleep. He was beautiful, that had never changed but he could still feel a hollowness in his chest anytime he thought about all the things he'd missed out on.

He wondered if Zheng Xi had his growth spurt overnight or if he slowly started to tower over everyone like Jian Yi had. Also, the fact that he never got to see him in his graduation uniform or beg him to help with his homework or see his sister off to school. Tears wet the soft fabric of the pillow and squeezed the blanket in his hand in an attempt to keep from shaking.

Zheng Xi's eyes pried open, widening when he realized what was even going on and what year he was in. "Yi, what's wrong?"

Yi choked a little and buried his face in Zheng Xi's chest, soaking his sheets in fresh tears and fears he'd always held close. "I'm sorry, Zhan XiXi. I missed out on five years of your life that we could've been spending together. We never got to finish growing up, never got to go to high school together, never got to try all the new food in town. So much time we're never getting back and I'm sorry I have such a fucked up family. All I wanted was to be normal and to be with you."

Zheng Xi sighed and ran his fingers through Yi's feather light hair that had come out of his ponytail in the middle of the night, "It doesn't matter now. That time is gone, we can't get it back. But you're here now. I'm here and I love you, Jian Yi. Don't dwell on things you can't change, focus on what you have here in the present. I used to wonder if there was something I could've done to keep you from disappearing, but it was all bigger than I knew. There was nothing I could've done, but it ate me up inside anyway. We live with our regrets. We still have each other now, even if we lost a few years."

Jian Yi had calmed down, head resting on his chest listening to a heartbeat that was always so calm, rich and soothing. Zheng Xi pressed his lips to Yi's forehead and gazed down at his face when he pulled back, pale face pink and puffy with tears. So pouty and he couldn't help but grin, it was like he'd never left. He was taller and strong, maybe stronger than he was and it was such a scary thought; a lethal Jian Yi. What was he capable of now that he'd spent three years with the mafia and two more running away with ex-mafia?

There was so much he didn't know. This Jian Yi was a box waiting to be opened, full of new things to discover. His eyes were was so bright and clear, holding onto what innocence of childhood he had left.

Zheng Xi couldn't help it. His thumb found it's way to his soft thin lips, heart rate jolting at the warm wet feel of Yi's tongue that met his skin. Hands found their way up Zheng Xi's shirt, hot and precise, but careful. It was like Yi was still fifteen, waiting on Zheng Xi to freak out at his touch and send him head first into the floor.

"It's okay." Zheng Xi whispered and slipped his fingers past his jaw, gripping his neck and pulling him in until he couldn't breath against his mouth. Until his blood was boiling and his skin was feverish and they were kicking the sheets away from their legs trying to get closer.

Until he had him beneath him, rolling their hips together to ease the pressure of everything he'd ever felt for him for the past five years.

Until the only sound was their breathing in the early morning light that bathed them in blue and fell around them in silence. It crept through the blinds, laying itself across Yi's fingers as they dug into Zheng Xi's bare back, flushed with heat. It swallowed the hitches in their throats and the stutter of their hips and held them as their heaving chests stilled.

"I missed you." Zheng Xi buried his face into Yi's neck, "I missed you more than you'll ever know."

Jian Yi smiled at the ceiling sadly, wondering when all of this was going to get taken from him again. Because he'd been running for so long, he didn't know how to walk anymore.

**\------**

  
"I want to show you something." Guan Shan led He Tian down the sidewalk and into the park. It was a Sunday and he knew they'd be there bright and early in pretty dresses to enjoy the crisp morning air.

The mist had cleared on the path as they passed by empty benches. Tian came to a stop beside Guan Shan and opened his mouth in question but heard a distant bark and searched for the sound.

A small ball rolled to his feet and Guan Shan watched him as he leaned down to pick it up just as the happy golden retriever bounded their way. It was the closest he'd ever been to the dog and he could see a faint light shining in Tian's eyes.

He crouched down and accepted the licks to his fingers the dog offered, breaking into a smile that Guan Shan didn't know he was capable of. It was genuine instead of the usual teasing and sinister one he was used to. "Hi, there. Looks like you're living the good life. Such a good boy."

"I'm so sorry!" The mother was jogging their way with more apologies, her daughter giggling just behind her, "Gengi!"

Tian smiled at them as he stood to his full height and handed the girl the ball, "It's quite alright. I love dogs."

"He loves everyone so -" The woman trailed off in thought and it finally clicked in her head, "It's you! You were the boy who got hit by the car . . . saving Gengi. I never got to thank you."

"It was nothing."

"You could've died!" She clutched at the fabric of her dress, "But thank you. He's been the best dog I could have ever asked for. Gengi watches over my daughter like a guardian, protects her even."

Tian glanced down in shock when the little girl bumped into him, hugging him close before smiling up at him, "Thank you, mister! Gengi says thanks, too!"

Guan Shan observed how tenderly he patted her tiny head and grinned, "You're very welcome. I'm glad everything turned out okay."

"Forgive me if we interrupted your walk." She turned to Guan Shan and smiled sweetly, "I see you here some days. You were there that day, too, weren't you?"

Guan Shan felt Tian's curious gaze. He swallowed and shrugged, "Yeah, I was. It's been nice to see the two of them growing up together."

"How come you never said anything, sweetie?"

Tian hummed, "He's quiet and keeps to himself and I've been . . . away. Or else I would've checked in on you earlier."

"That's so kind of you. We're doing great. She doesn't have a father or siblings, so Gengi has really helped her these past years." She checked her watch and gasped, "We have a vet appointment that we might be a little late for! It was so nice to finally speak with the both of you! I hope to see you again soon! Come on, honey."

Guan Shan and Tian waved them off and fell into step beside each other as they continued through the park toward the markets, "Thank you."

"Hm?"

Tian found his fingers and let his hand fall into his own for a brief moment before he let him go, "It's nice to see that some things can have happy endings after all."

There was that far off reminiscent look again, the one that plagued Tian's face for days before he left. Guan Shan walked a little closer, "I'm still not used to you, you know. I feel like I don't really know who you are."

"You don't." Tian closed his eyes, his words sounded cold and he didn't mean it. But years of shutting off your emotions was hard to overcome. He looked over at Guan Shan and softened his tone, "Would you like to?"

The breeze blew past them as they crossed the road into civilization and the bustling crowds. Of course he wanted to know. "I would. Because I know you're not a bad person like you want some people to believe."

Tian had heard those words before coming out of his own mouth and he caught Guan Shan smirking as he set off to find fresh food.

Domesticity was such a foreign thing for Tian, a thing he always yearned for but in order for the state of living with another to settle in to even classify as domesticity, there had to _be_ another. There never was until he stumbled upon a boy who had just as many issues as he did and was just as lonely, never one to admit it either.

Guan Shan was his ' _another_ _'_. Threats turned into teases. Scowls morphed into something softer, on his face it was more like a frustrated child than a frown. He was troubled and Tian worked at it until Guan Shan sought him out on his own when he needed him, even if he didn't know it at the time. Excuses to be with him, anywhere but home alone stuck with his own thoughts and the ever looming existential crisis that always crept in.

Tian had wanted more time and that too was ripped away from him. He wanted this to stop, wanted to stop running from men who wanted nothing more than to choke the life out of him with their bare hands. He wanted to stop and breathe, stand barefoot in his unused kitchen again and watch Guan Shan cook. Maybe even accidently spill tomato sauce all over the floor again and see how it turned out this time around.

Tian grinned to himself as he held bags of food for Guan Shan who was smiling at everyone he greeted. It made Tian homesick, because what else had he missed? How many more smiles had graced the redhead's face that he never bore witness to?

Five years gone and it felt like they hadn't even made a difference other than kicking the hornets' nests and hiding as best as they could until it died down. Was it even worth it? Was it worth the damage he had done here?

Guan Shan seemed okay. He seemed to be more or less the same, just lacking violence and holding much more of his heart on his sleeve. It was the kind of thing Tian had been moving towards all those years ago. Guan Shan had grown, but only after he'd left and he wondered if that was how it was supposed to be. Was that his punishment for being who he was? To find his ' _another_ ' only for him to finally love him back after he was gone? To spend five years wondering what could have been?

Could it still be?

"Tian." Guan Shan was holding another small bag toward him. It was full of fresh tomatoes and Tian's heart crawled it's way up his throat when Guan Shan looked back at him when he didn't take it from him. "What is it?"

Tian wanted this life. The one where they walked through the park in the morning, maybe even have a dog or two, browse for produce just so they could go home and cook breakfast together and eat on a balcony as the day began. It was the biggest fantasy he had, to be domestic, to be able to live and not worry about the constant possibility of being murdered in his sleep. Or the possibility of Guan Shan being taken away from him after he'd finally got him back.

Tian blinked and grabbed the bag, "It's nothing."

Guan Shan mouthed the word ' _liar_ ' and kept moving down through the market.

He Tian fumbled with the bags as he reached into his pocket for the phone that was buzzing relentlessly, "Yeah?"

"They found us. I'm taking Yi and Zheng Xi to the old warehouse. It's still under the radar. Where are you?"

Tian's old facade took over and he moved calmly through the crowd toward the other half of his heart, keeping an eye on every face that passed, "East markets, we'll go to Uncle's. It should still be safe. When should we meet?"

"A few days. I'll call you if something changes."

Tian hung up, grabbing Guan Shan's arm and forcing him gently along, "Keep your voice down, we need to go, right now."

Guan Shan kept his mouth shut and his fingers on the edge of Tian's shirt, trying hard not to let the fear of the unknown wake up his anxiety. He felt it rising steadily even though they were moving as casually as everyone else to not draw attention if they were being hunted.

_They were being hunted._

Guan Shan took the bags out of Tian's left hand just so he could thread their fingers and squeeze them. It helped minutely, but it wasn't enough.

Tian spoke without looking at him, "Stay calm, there's no reason to worry right now."

Guan Shan still couldn't speak as Tian lead him across intersection after intersection. His feet were numb and he felt himself shutting down, breath coming quicker as they entered an empty elevator in a building he hadn't so much as looked at in years.

Tian dropped the bags and took Guan Shan's face in his hands, "Look at me."

Guan Shan pried his eyes open, body shaking uncontrollably, lungs on the verge of hyperventilating.

"I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Breathe with me." Tian took a deep breath and slowly let it go. Guan Shan mimicked the motion until the elevator doors opened. "Good, that's good. Come on, let's get inside and we're safe. No one knows we're here."

"How do you know?"

Tian picked up the bags and hurried him along with a flick of his head, "I've been doing this for a very long time."

**\------**

  
Everything was just as it was the last time he had stepped across the cold wood floors. The morning bathed the empty apartment in fresh light and this was a time of day that Guan Shan had never witnessed here. It was always late evening or the middle of the night. He'd always refused to stay over, never would allow Tian to persuade him with his black magic.

"All the times you teased me," Guan Shan started to unpack the food and spread it across the counter, "did you mean it or was that just you trying to mask your true personality?"

Tian chuckled to himself, "Part of it was just me being a bored and horny teenage boy, but yeah."

"Asshole." Guan Shan muttered but he couldn't hide his grin. It fell when he remembered why they were even there. He spun around, Tian was pulling the old bedding from his mattress that still sat close to the windows, "Where's Zheng Xi and the others?"

"Somewhere safe."

Guan Shan tapped his finger on the counter. He was full of questions, "Do you really have an uncle?"

"No. It's just what I told anyone who wondered who I lived with. I couldn't exactly say a fifteen year old had his own apartment." Tian disappeared for a moment, resurfacing with clean sheets and fresh pillows.

"Then why did you tell us?"

"I figured I came off as intimidating enough that you'd never say anything." He glanced over and caught the finger Guan Shan offered him. Tian smiled and watched him look away, flustered.

Guan Shan busied himself with the beef stew in front of him, while Tian made the place seem more livable. He joined Guan Shan in the kitchen and offered his help. "Since when do you know how to clean or do anything resourceful in the kitchen?"

Tian looked over his shoulder at the pot of soup he'd missed almost as much as the chef, "Since I watched you do it for me."

Guan Shan's hands stilled and he felt a shiver creep up his spine at the feeling of Tian's nose brushing the back of his neck. "I want to know everything."

"Then start asking."

"Why did you single me out?"

Tian paused, knuckles resting against the hollow of Guan Shan's back, "You were a lot like me back then. Clearly, everyone thought it was the exact opposite, even you. But you had problems, surrounded yourself with violence, and lashed out at anyone that got too close. You were alone and I wanted to help you."

"By terrorizing me?"

"By showing you that you were worth more than that and life didn't have to be such a fucking struggle." Tian let his forehead rest against the back of head, his hair smelled like spice. "Didn't want you to live like I did."

"So, I was a charity case."

Tian shook his head, "No, I just . . . you know, I don't actually know why. I could've just let you rot after what you did to Zhan Zheng Xi. I'm glad I didn't because look at you now. He's your best friend and your band is on the verge of going nationwide. I saw something in you, I suppose. I still do."

Guan Shan sighed, "This is fucking weird. I've never heard you talk like this. But I guess now that everyone's shit is out in the open and we're all on the run from the fucking mafia, makes sense I guess."

He stirred the food as they stood there in silence and it was nice. Tian's hand resting on his hip as he watched like he always used to. But this time it was new. The atmosphere was calm with questions hanging in the air, and a mutual yearning on their fingertips. Yearning to be exactly where they were even if they didn't really know why.

Guan Shan made them bowls and searched for spoons, setting them in the hot liquid that was making their mouths water as it waited to be eaten. "Tell me, is it just Jian Yi's dad and his gang or is it bigger than that?"

Tian blew the heat off his spoon, "Much bigger."

"How much bigger?"

Tian fixed him with a stare, "This is the part you don't want to know."

Guan Shan stared back unmoving, knowing he'd probably regret ever asking like Tian said he would, but he had to know. He wanted to know everything Tian had been fighting for five years.

Tian sat back and the struggle was clear in his tired eyes. His fingertips slid across the table top and traced a random shape across Guan Shan's patient hand, "It's Jian's gang, my father's gang or what's left of it," he drew in a breath, holding down the fear in the back of mind that warned him Guan Shan was about to bolt, "and _your_ father's gang."

Tian watched it building behind his eyes, he witnessed it sink in. The fear and weight of what his words meant.

Guan Shan didn't bolt, he didn't move,  but his fingers trembled beneath Tian's. He parted his lips to speak but cut it off with a quick breath before he calmly stood and made his way to the bathroom only to lose everything he'd just ate.

Tian brushed his hair away from his face as he sat there listening to Guan Shan coughing. The sound echoed through the apartment.

He pushed the bowl away when it got quiet, his feet moved silently across the floor and he pulled Guan Shan into his arms when he came out of the bathroom, pale and weak.

"I'm fine."

Tian nudged his head, "I think we need to stop lying to each other."

He felt him grin against his shoulder and it was enough for now. Tian drank in the feel of him, his warmth, solid proof he was really there. He soaked in the fragile tranquillity because he knew when night fell he'd find out if the apartment was still as hidden as they had planned it to be after all these years.


	10. Chapter 10

"Kinda fucked up, isn't it?"

"What's that?" Tian asked quietly but words carried throughout the room all the same.

"The only time I wanted you around was when you weren't here." Guan Shan lifted his hand in the air to see the light slipping past his fingers in dusty lines. "It's fucked up that I even wanted you or that I kept coming around, but I guess I didn't realize what I even felt. I know I didn't know. Made me feel like I was insane, wanting you to come around again just so I could fight you every second you were there."

Tian smiled over at him, "Such a tsundere. I always thought you were so endearing. Loved the way your skin would flush anytime I even took a step in your direction."

"Shut the fuck up. You make me sound like some school girl."

"I wasn't the one begging for a kiss when I came back. But don't get me wrong, I definitely wanted it."

Guan Shan furrowed his brow, "I wasn't begging you for shit! I just fucking missed you and didn't - wait, no, you're just fucking with me. Aren't you?"

Tian bit at his lip, "It's fun to pretend we're still fifteen and nothing ever happened and that I didn't completely fuck your life up. Do you believe me when I say I didn't want to go?"

Guan Shan sighed and settled back into his seat, "You didn't have to say it. Your stupid face said it all. The way you looked at me that day . . . I still dream about it a lot. I think this is the most we've ever said to each other in one sitting."

The silence was comfortable as they sat on the sofa with a decent amount of space between them. Tian was minding his boundaries and it was unusual for Guan Shan but he had to remember that he really didn't know Tian. Not the real one at least.

"I kind of miss it, too."

"Wanna fight?"

Guan Shan let a smile spread, "I always do but I have a better idea."

Tian smirked, "Oh?"

"Let's clean the kitchen."

**\------**

"Jian Yi, look at me."

Zheng Xi was getting desperate. Night was falling and Yi hadn't said a word since He Cheng had forced them into hiding in an old warehouse. He'd never been one to hold his tongue for so long.

"Please, talk to me."

Jian Yi looked over at him, his eyes were empty, his mind somewhere else. His hair had come down and it fell against his sharp cheekbones, brushing his delicate pale skin. Zheng Xi tucked one side behind his ear and Yi seemed so far away even though he only mere inches.

"I should've left you alone, Xi." Yi looked out the window to his right, observing the quiet that surrounded them in the middle of the industrial yard outside. There was no one there, but he watched nonetheless. A force of habit. "I was selfish, like I always am. Now you're involved and I regret it more than anything."

This wasn't the Jian Yi he used to know. This Yi was closed up and hardened, dark and wildly intelligent. Aged beyond his years.

"I don't."

Yi grinned sadly, "You say that now. Just wait, they're coming and they will find us. They always do. It's never going to end. They made me into something worth killing over and it's all they've done."

Zheng Xi searched for his hand in the dark, "Everything comes to an end, Yi."

"You and Guan Shan had a good thing going. You're friends now and your music is great enough that it's moving a nation. I ruined it for you both."

Zheng Xi shook his head and huffed, "I know it's not ideal, but Guan Shan needed this to happen. I don't know if he would've lasted much longer if He Tian hadn't shown himself."

Jian Yi looked over, "What do you mean?"

"He's . . . hurt himself before and I know he tried to walk into traffic last night. But Tian was there and that's the only reason he's still alive. So, please don't think that nothing good has come out of this. Guan Shan would be dead if not and I don't know if I could live with that."

Jian Yi smiled softly, tangling their fingers, "He really is your best friend, huh?"

"He's all that I've had but that doesn't mean you're not still my best friend."

Yi chuckled, "I'm not jealous of him. I think it's sweet. I always thought he was a good guy who needed the right people in his life. Tian's different, you know. Not at all what we thought he was like. He's brave, selfless, and surprisingly kind. He never would say it, but he wanted to come back for Guan Shan every day that we were gone, wanted to be normal. It's just another thing I'm sorry for. I somehow involved everyone in this."

"We'll deal with it together. Stop blaming yourself." Zheng Xi pulled him closer and pressed his lips reassuringly to his forehead.

**\------**

The evening sun was settling and it lit the room up with a soft orange glow that mixed with Guan Shan's hair. Tian had just put the last dish away in a place he assumed it belonged. He shrugged when Guan Shan eyed him disapprovingly.

"I'm going to get a quick shower. If you hear anything and I mean _anything_ , come get me."

"Is that just a ruse to get me in the bath with you?"

Tian brushed his fingers across his face and watched him turn a pale shade of pink, "Five years ago it would've been."

Guan Shan swallowed, "And now?"

"Now, I just don't want anything to take you away from me." Tian pressed his lips to his cheek faintly, "I'll be fast."

He disappeared into the hallway bathroom and Guan Shan let out the breath his was holding and wiped at the fine layer of sweat that had collected on his neck. The floor was getting cold as he wandered aimlessly around the large living room. Magazines that were six years old sat precariously on the coffee table. He pushed them around mindlessly until something caught his eye.

In the corner of the room sat something big, covered in a white sheet like old furniture in an abandoned house for sale. He recognized the shape and confirmed his suspicions when he pulled the dusty fabric away to reveal a grand piano.

Guan Shan listened for anything and heard nothing but the shower running from across the room. So he sat and uncovered the keys that looked like they had never been touched.

He pressed his fingers down and listened to the sound reverberate around him and in his ears, so sweet and deep. Nothing compared to the way it always settled in his chest like it used to during the piano lessons he attended as a child.

He hummed to himself and played, forgetting everything for just a moment and sang a song he'd written but had never brought to life.

**(** **Listen** **to 5AM by Amber Run)**

" _We run into a dark room_  
_And we spasm to the sounds_

 _Of a copy of Morrissey_  
_Or the blues of the Deep South_

 _And the drugs will only hide it_  
_The feeling never really goes_

 _You won't find love at the bottom_  
_Of a glass seat home_ "

He didn't hear the bathroom door open a second later.

" _We've got work in the morning_  
_But it's nearly 5 AM_

 _Is this really what we envisioned?_  
_We won't be 21 again_

 _And in the haze you see colours_  
_And problems suddenly make sense_

 _But the way you've been going_  
_You'll be in an early grave_ "

Nor did he hear the light footsteps moving toward him across the wood floor. He didn't see the eyes on him that watched him like a lost dog who didn't have a home.

" _And you don't know what you've got until it's gone_

_And you don't know who to love until you're lost_

_And you don't know how to feel until the moment's passed_

_I wish you'd live like you're made of glass_ "

Guan Shan paused and heard him breath a second before he felt his fingers running over the back on his neck. Water dripped from his hair on to his shoulder and Tian leaned down and took it away with his lips before it ran down onto his shirt.

Guan Shan turned his head only to see Tian look completely and utterly broken, peices of who he was and peices of who he wanted to be that had been precariously glued together in hopes it would hold for a little while longer.

Guan Shan's voice was a whisper as the sun disappeared and swallowed them in a deep shade of purple, "What happened to you, Tian? You look like you don't even know who you are anymore."

"I don't." His voice cracked, "Mo -"

Guan Shan was on his feet and Tian was crying like he hadn't in his entire life. Sobs wracked his body, all six feet and three inches and Guan Shan didn't know what to do.

"Tian." He stumbled against his weight and did his best to get across the room to the bed. "Sit down and just fucking talk to me."

Tians body shuddered and gasped in a breath, "All I ever wanted was to be normal and look at what I am. I'm a fucking monster."

Tian dug the palms of his hands into his eyes, but it didn't let up. "I tried so hard to be a kid, to fucking pretend that my dad didn't come home every other week with blood on his hands. I tried so hard to block it out, to - fuck! Just to forget that I never had a goddamn family. That I would never have anything stable or know what it was like to be important to someone, to have someone love me and protect me like a family should. I was fucking bred to be a trained killer, a prodigy, part of the family legacy, a puppet. I am no one just like he always said I'd be. No matter how far we ran, even after the bastard was murdered, I still ended up exactly how he planned. A shadow and a sacrifice and for what? What the fuck is anything for? Drugs, money, sex, or control? To say you have more than someone else? I can't fucking live like this anymore. I can't fucking sleep knowing that I'm the reason people are dead. Knowing that I've done nothing to deserve to even be here. I started with nothing and I have nothing. I can't . . . breathe anymore, Guan Shan. I can't -"

Guan Shan pulled his face up into what dim light there was, "You started with nothing and you ended up with friends that you care about enough to protect, a brother that runs beside you, and you have me. You have always had me, Tian. As much as I tried to fucking hate you I couldn't because you never let me be alone. You never gave up on me and trust me I know I was a hopeless case and if it weren't for you and those other two idiots, I would be mixed up in shit I couldn't get out of. I might be dead."

Tian stared at him, fresh tears still flowing down his cheeks.

"So stop telling yourself that this life is all you'll ever know because it's not. You are important to someone and he has dreamed about you almost every night. You have made him hurt more than he ever thought he could, but you made him care about something other than himself and realize that life doesn't have to be such a fucking struggle. He just needed people to help him through it. He needed you and even though you weren't there, he was waiting every fucking day for you to come home. So he could swallow his pride and let go of the past and tell you that you're not alone. And if you can't breathe, then let him help you. Because he loves you, Tian. Okay? I love you because you are not what I thought you were. I've never seen you cry and kind of wish you would stop but you're so fucking pretty."

Tian wiped at his face and Guan Shan grimaced, "You have snot everywhere."

He laughed lightly as he stood, holding his hand out to him, "Come on. Give me the hand you didn't just wipe your face with, please."

Tian grinned weakly up at him and let him pull him to his feet. The bathroom light was blinding and he squinted the entire time Guan Shan dried his face. Tian blew his nose and chuckled when Guan Shan took a step back. "I don't have cooties."

"Everyone has cooties, I've just learned to tolerate yours."

Guan Shan got stuck in a stare and headed for the kitchen when he couldn't stop his racing heart. Tian's eye were still just as piercing, like he could read his mind or see into his soul. But they were full of repressed emotions and it nearly drowned him each time he looked.

"I'm the last person you want to love, Guan Shan."

"Believe me, I know." His fingers righted a crooked magnet on the stainless steel refrigerator, his heart still wouldn't settle.

"But you're the first person I ever felt anything for."

His heart crawled into his throat, he turned and met Tian's mouth full force. The back of his head hit the fridge with a loud thud and he parted his lips, letting their tongues slide urgently beside one another.

The heat engulfed him like a wildfire and he was already searching for air amidst the smooth motion of Tian's hands that crawled beneath his shirt and the steady pressure of his hips fitting perfectly against his own.

Guan Shan was arching into him, trying to get closer and Tian had just slipped his fingers beneath his waistband when he suddenly stopped. Guan Shan pulled back, out of breath and looking for an answer.

"Tell me if I'm overstepping any boundaries."

Mo let his lips brush against his jaw and his hand slid down Tian's stomach, fingers ghosting over the apparent tent of his bath towel, "You did that a long time ago."


	11. Chapter 11

Guan Shan pulled in a deep breath when he woke. Every muscle he had was sore, even stretching his toes hurt. He wiped the sleep from his eyes and pried them open only to be blinded by the morning.

He looked over and Tian was surprisingly still there, occupying a small space on the other other side of the bed. Maybe he was used to taking up as little room as possible and sleeping uncomfortably in tight spaces, like the backseat of a car.

Guan Shan recalled the soft and urgent touches Tian had placed over his skin the night before and the way he'd gripped his hips gently until he glared at him and told him not to hold back, to be rough. Tian obeyed, looking shocked at how open Guan Shan already was for him when he slipped two lubed fingers inside of him.

Guan Shan rolled his eyes, "Those aren't the first fingers I've ever had up my ass. I have a hand too, you know."

"How long have you wanted this?"

"That's a stupid question." Guan Shan rolled his hips, taking his fingers further inside, "Long enough. Please, just get on with it already."

"So impatient." Tian smirked, "As always."

Guan Shan recalled in vivid detail the moment he came, riding Tian, hands gripping the headboard. He remembered the way Tian kept going, rolling his hips up into him harder, faster until Guan Shan fell forward, fingers finding his hair and holding on for dear life until he was a shaking stuttering mess.

Recalled in perfect detail when half an hour later he was in the kitchen draining a glass of water when Tian slipped up from behind and leaned him over the marble countertop for another go. It ended with them on the floor in a pile of limbs and ragged breaths, temporarily satisfied again.

He sighed at the fresh memories, slightly frowning at the fact that he knew he couldn't keep this. He couldn't keep He Tian because they were all mixed up in a violent war now. It wasn't just Yi or Tian or Cheng, it was all of them. He had no idea how this was going to effect their concerts or their families. Guan Shan was suddenly full of more questions, but Tian seemed to be dreaming deeply and he doubted it was something he did often, so he let him sleep.

His feet were quiet as he made his way to the upstairs bathroom so he would make less noise, the spare toothbrushes were still where he had tucked them away nearly five years ago in the cupboard. The light flicked on and Guan Shan squinted as he brushed his teeth.

There were small bruises on his hips and chest in the shape of fingertips. A small blush ran across his skin as he ran his hand across them, remembering the exact moment Tian had gripped him too hard. But in the moment it didn't feel hard enough.

He spit into the sink and rinsed his mouth out and as he stood something caught his eye. The shower curtain fluttered slightly, it was almost unnoticeable. Guan Shan wiped his mouth as he continued to stare.

It was dumb, that irrational fear that almost everyone had growing up of there being a murderer behind your shower curtain that was waiting on you to take a piss and jump out at you. It was ridiculous, yet his heart started pounding anyway as he took a step toward it.

"Mo?!"

Guan Shan jumped back a step at the sound of his name echoing from downstairs. He clutched at his chest and smiled to himself, "Stupid."

It was just the two of them there or they would be heard someone come in. "I'm up here!"

Guan Shan heard Tian sigh heavily just as he turned to head back down. The tub creaked behind him when he cut the light off. The fear made his hair stand on his arms, the dread spread to the top of his head and he couldn't bring himself to move.

Not until he heard the curtain slide. Guan Shan slammed the door behind him and nearly fell down the stairs.

"TIAN!"

But Tian wasn't in the bed anymore and he heard a crash in the kitchen. He rounded the corner and his stomach climbed to his throat.

Dishes fell and broke into hundreds of peices on the floor while Tian struggled against a man that was bigger than both of them put together. Guan Shan didn't know what made him move, but the next thing he knew he had a cast iron skillet in his hand and was swinging it as hard as he could at the back of the guy's head. The man stumbled for a moment and slowly fell to the floor, hitting with a deep thud.

Guan Shan heaved in a breath and felt the panic swelling when reality sunk in. Tian was gripping his own side and wincing as he dug into a drawer. He cocked the pistol he pulled from beneath the hand towels and that's when Guan Shan saw the blood coating his hand. His side was covered, steadily gushing from a stab wound.

"Get down." Tian said firmly. Guan Shan dropped and covered his head just as footsteps made themselves known behind him.

He flinched with each bullet that was fired until the sound was ringing in his ears. The second perpetrator hit the floor just as Tian did.

Guan Shan looked up, "Tian? No, no, no! Tian!"

He crawled over to his limp body and slapped him a few times until his eyes rolled open, "Tian, stay awake! Please! Wha-what do I do?!"

Tian tried to lift his hand but it fell halfway, leaving a trail of blood down Guan Shan's arm. ". . . brother."

Guan Shan calmed himself the best that he could and grabbed at the rags laying around the floor, pressing them into the wound. He fumbled around for anything to hold them down because Tian's hands were useless.

"Shit!" He reached for the skillet and propped it against the fabric before he got to his feet and ran for the bed. The body caught him off guard and he almost didn't jump over it in time. Guan Shan vaulted over the bed to Tian's nightstand and the phone slipped in his bloody fingers as he ran back to the kitchen as it dialed.

"Hello."

Guan Shan felt light headed. This was all happening too fast. Too much, so little air was entering his lungs, "Cheng!"

Tian's brother didn't waste a second, "How bad?"

"He-uh, fuck! Stabbed, he got stabbed in the side, there's blood everywhere!"

"How many were there?"

"Two! Upstairs bath and in the kitchen, both are down!"

Cheng was already on the move, "Can you lift him?"

Guan Shan wiped the sweat off his forehead with trembling fingers, "I-I . . . I don't know, I can try. Tell me what to do."

He heard a car door shut on the phone and the squealing of tires.

"Listen carefully. Get dressed. At the end of the hall past the elevator is a room for complementary ice. There's a cart in the supply closet, bring it back to the room. Wrap up his wound as tight as you can and move him onto the bottom on the cart, put a sheet over it and wheel him into the elevator, make sure his feet aren't hanging out. Go out the back entrance and into the alley, I'll meet you there in ten minutes. Don't hesitate, go now."

**\------**

  
It wasn't the first time Tian had been hurt nor would it be the last. It was far from the last for any of them. They all shared similar scars, but who knew how deep this one was.

Cheng cut through traffic and pulled into the alleyway and Jian Yi was already crawling over the seats and opening the back hatch of the SUV. He looked back, a serious facade crossing his face, "Xi, stay here."

"What-" Zheng Xi tried to object but he was thrown into the back of the passengers seat when Cheng hit the brakes. He looked out the window to see Guan Shan pulling a sheet covered cart toward them. The blood was obvious on his hands even from that distance.

Jian Yi and Cheng pulled the sheet back and within seconds lifted Tian into the trunk, tucking his legs in before they shut the latch.

"Get in."

Jian Yi ran to the passenger's side, Guan Shan fell into the seat beside Zheng Xi who looked at him cautiously before he grabbed his hand that was still slick with drying blood.

"Are you okay?"

Guan Shan swallowed it all down, the flood of emotions that really didn't need to come out in their current situation. He squeezed Zheng Xi's fingers, "Not yet."

"Where are we going?" Zheng Xi stared out at the road ahead. The weather was getting grey.

"A doctor."

Jian Yi looked back, "Not a conventional one."

Silence fell over them for a while as they drove further out of the city. The traffic had thinned out and Guan Shan was getting anxious. He pried his fingers from Zheng Xi's and crawled over the backseat into the trunk space where Tian was still unconscious. The towels wrapped around his middle were soaked.

Guan Shan pushed him up and settled behind him until he could cradle his head in his lap. Tian had blood in his hair and he worked around it as he ran his fingers through the midnight strands.

He felt it coming. His eyes burned at the same time his chin trembled. Guan Shan's voice quivered, trying to hold himself together, "How much farther?"

"Two minutes." Came Cheng's calm reply.

How could he be so emotionally vacant when his brother was bleeding to death in the back of his car? How many times had this happened for neither Cheng or Jian Yi to look worried about it at all?

" _Hurry_." Guan Shan choked and Zheng Xi was leaning over the seat, pulling his face against him, letting him cry.

"He's going to be okay, Shan. It's okay, _you're_ okay." Zheng Xi muttered in his ear and Guan Shan couldn't do anything but nod and choke on every breath he took.

"We're here. Yi, go inside and get Marko ready."

Tian was pulled from Guan Shan's arms and Cheng hauled him over his shoulder and carried him inside the sketchy building before them. Boards covered the windows and there wasn't a person in sight, there wasn't even a sound. Just their footsteps crushing the rocks beneath their feet.

The inside looked no better. Wallpaper hung off the walls like a house of horrors and the smell was turning Guan Shan's stomach.

"I can't do this."

Zheng Xi followed him back out into the mild air, "Hey. He needs you."

Guan Shan huffed, "So, what now? We just give up everything and run? I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to wake up to hitmen hiding behind the shower curtain. I didn't ask for . . . I just wanted him to _come home_ , but who am I fucking kidding? It's always a struggle no matter what. I wanted one day, just one normal fucking day and I've already got blood on my hands."

"He needs you." Zheng Xi repeated himself. Guan Shan still wouldn't move, "Shan, I know this is overwhelming but we can't just up and leave them here. We're targets now just as much as they are. As far as the band goes, we'll figure it out when Tian wakes up alright? Just, please, don't go anywhere. It'll be hell for everyone if he wakes up without you there."

Guan Shan huffed, but couldn't hide the subtle grin pulling at his face, "Yeah . . . I can't run anyway."

"Why?"

Guan Shan shrugged and looked up at the overcast sky, "My dad is involved and I want answers."


	12. Chapter 12

Tian's vision was blurred with drugs and sleep when he finally pried his eyes open, but he had no trouble making out the orange head of hair that was resting next to his arm.

His fingers found the soft short strands and he barely got one pass in before Guan Shan jerked up into a sitting position, a curse on his lips.

Tian grinned as his face became clearer, but the more clearly he could see him, he realized how awful he looked. There were bags beneath his eyes and his skin was a shade lighter than it should've been. "I'm sorry. I wasn't in my right mind last night and I let them slip into the apartment. I should've known."

Guan Shan shook his head, eyes shining faintly with held back tears, "Shut up."

"You could've died because of me."

Guan Shan chewed at his lip, "I'm fine, Tian. But you're not, you're worn out and tired of running and I'm only making it worse for you. You let your guard down around me. If this is anyone's fault, it's mine. I shouldn't even be here."

"Guan Shan-"

"I know, Tian. I know I can't leave now. But you gotta promise me that you won't put your life on the line for me. Promise me you'll be careful. I waited too fucking long for you to come home and I'll be so pissed at you if you die."

Guan Shan stared down at him and Tian couldn't find it in him to tease. The moment was heavy and he nodded, making yet another promise he knew he couldn't keep. Because in the end he would give his life for Guan Shan over and over again. If anyone deserved to live a decent life, it was Mo.

"Yeah." Tian found his fingers and gripped them in his hand, "I promise."

**\------**

"How do you do that?" Zheng Xi was observing Tian as they walked into a high end hotel on the edge of the city. It had the best security and it would buy them a few days, maybe even a week.

Tian held the door open for them, "What's that?"

"How are you walking and pulling doors open when you literally got stabbed this morning? You don't even flinch."

Tian held his shoulders back and gave him a shrug, "Practice. This isn't the first time. Did you know that Jian Yi has been shot twice on separate occasions? Nothing close to my tally and mine doesn't touch my brother's. After a while it's something that just happens and we learned how to deal with it quickly and move on."

Zheng Xi huffed, "Just another day in the life of the He's. Speaking of jobs, we need to discuss the band and what the fuck we're supposed to do with mafia clawing at our necks."

They fit themselves into an elevator after booking rooms. Guan Shan was as quiet and broody as ever while Jian Yi was in awe of everything he saw, like a child distracted by shiny objects. A big part of Zheng Xi felt like Yi was putting on a show for his sake, to make him feel like he hadn't changed that much, like he wasn't a deadly weapon molded by his own father.

Zheng Xi didn't know how long things would last of they all kept going like this. How long and how far could they run?

"Cheng, we need to talk. Alone." Tian awaited his brother's nod and followed him down the hall after seeing everyone else to their rooms. He didn't miss the curious stare that Guan Shan had fixed on him.

"What is it?"

Tian stopped by the door to the stairwell, "We need to come up with a plan to get them out of here. Not just the city."

Cheng crossed his arms in thought, "All the way out of China? That's easier said than done."

"It may be easier than we think. Their band is getting close to breaking the national barrier. They could go world-wide, we just need to make sure they get there without being picked off first. Jian Yi will be out of reach and we can make a move."

Cheng rubbed his chin, "Alright. We just keep them safe until then and once they're out of the country we can focus on the real problem."

\------

"So, you want us to keep making music and still go to our booked concerts? What about our other two band members?" Zheng Xi pulled his leg onto the hotel bed to keep it from bouncing.

"They can't come once you're able to leave the country. You may as well dump them now." Tian stated bluntly and Guan Shan was ready to rip his own hair out.

"We can't just be a two man group. That's incredibly difficult."

Tian shrugged, "Those Thirty-One Planes dudes can do it, so can you."

Guan Shan rubbed his face and groaned, " _Twenty-One Pilots_  and that's beside the point. Even if we do this, what is stopping the bad guys from picking us off while we're on stage."

"It's too open. They don't operate that way. We'll take over as your security detail until you book a tour to another country and then we're out of sight until everything settles down." Tian pulled a cigarette out and didn't flinch when Guan Shan ripped it from his fingers to toss it in the trash.

"You're coming, too. Right?" Guan Shan asked, doing his best not to sound desperate or like everything they did next depended on his answer.

Another lie he had to tell, "Of course."

Zheng Xi wasn't an idiot, but for the time being he'd let it slide. Guan Shan needed the break and if he wanted to think He Tian wasn't going to disappear again, then he wasn't going to stop him until the time was right. He didn't want that day to come anytime soon.

"When is your next show?"

"Tomorrow." Zheng Xi fell back onto the mattress, Yi's fingers found his hair immediately and began to play with his frayed ends. Zheng Xi grinned and brushed his fingers beneath his chin.

"I'll call the others and see if they're still on for tomorrow. I'm surprised they haven't called me or Xi already." Guan Shan said more to himself than anyone, pausing when the realization hit him. "Are they dead?"

Tian shook his head, "Not likely, just bribed to stay out of it or threatened. Probably the second one, so I wouldn't count on seeing them tomorrow."

"All of our equipment is still at the apartment."

Cheng came through the door, "I've hired a team of movers to take it to the arena you'll be preforming at. They won't be stopped or it will cause suspicion with the local police. You'll get your things, don't worry about that. This hotel has top of the line security as well. So until you get your next break, this is where we'll be."

"Can I call my mother? I haven't talked to her in two weeks. She worries." Guan Shan glanced up at Tian hopefully.

Cheng stepped forward, "Use this phone, it can't be traced."

Guan Shan took the burner phone and stepped into the adjoining room for privacy as it rang in his ear. She usually picked up on the second ring, but it rang for the fifth time and his heart did a flip just as she answered, "Hello?"

"Mom, it's me."

"Sweetheart! Where have you been?"

Guan Shan sank onto the sofa and sighed, "I'm sorry, it's just been really hectic lately. But everything is fine, so please don't worry about us."

"Are you sure everything is alright?"

Of course she knew something was wrong. She always did and he was grateful for that but now wasn't the time for her to be so intuitive. He debated on asking her what he really wanted to know, knowing it would sting and probably leave him with more questions that he was bargaining for but it was now or never.

"Mom?" He drew in a breath. "How long has Dad been out of jail?"

A silence stretched out over the phone and he wondered if he'd been disconnected but then she finally answered him, "Four years."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Guan Shan huffed, "It wasn't like I was going to go running to him and leave you. It's just that . . . something has been going on and I know that he's involved and I thought you and I didn't keep secrets anymore. Not after . . . you know."

"Guan Shan," his mother took an unsteady breath, "I didn't want you to get involved with him, that's all. I promise. Just know that he's not a bad man, only mixed up with a few."

"Just a few?"

"Guan Shan -"

"I have to go, Mom. Everything's fine, okay? Just take care of yourself until I come home." Guan Shan bit at his lip, "I love you."

He hung up the phone with tears stinging his eyes. He tilted his head back and blinked them away before he went back to the other room where expectant eyes were on him. Zheng Xi sat up quickly and _for fuck's sake_ , he was worse than his mother. He made Guan Shan feel like a piece of glass sometimes with how well he saw through him.

"Everything okay?"

"Sure." Guan Shan tossed Cheng the phone. "What does my Dad have to do with all of this?"

A thickness fell over the room in the form of tension and Tian was the first to speak, "That's a good question."

"Do you have an answer or am I just barking up the wrong tree again?"

"I don't have an answer, we've been trying to figure it out, too." Tian stood and shoved his hands in his pockets when Guan Shan took a small step back. "All we know is that it has something to do with a debt, money I'm sure, or something else he owes to Jian. Everything has been a mess lately, it could be anything."

"So my father is also after Yi? Not just his dad or your dad's men?"

"Correct." Cheng nodded, standing as rigid as a fucking concrete wall. Guan Shan suspected he was actually a cyborg.

"What the fuck? But they're against each other? So it's basically a free for all for whoever gets to Yi first." Guan Shan shook his head when Tian blinked slowly, confirming his theory. "And we are sitting here like ducks until hopefully _we_ , just two guys, put out some mind-fucking music that gets us all out of the country. You sure know how to pressure a guy, don't you?"

"I have faith in you."

"Yeah, well that doesn't help me. How about you guys fuck off so my superhero drummer and I can come up with a plan to save the world?" Guan Shan said with a bit more salt than he intended. He felt like a fifteen year-old again, pushing everything away just for the sake of being alone which was the one thing he hated the most.

Nothing else was said and Guan Shan wanted to run, leave the hotel and go home to a bowl of hot soup his mother had made and wait for the knock on the door from the boy he had convinced himself he couldn't stand, only to let him in and make him sleep on the floor when he'd see the bags under his eyes. Guan Shan wanted things to go back to the way they were, but that was an impossible dream.

He still loved Tian so much it made him sick to think about it. He still cared too much to _not_ try and make this work. So there he was with paper and pens scattered across the room with Zheng Xi pacing in circles to add to the ever growing stacks of lyrics upon lyrics until it was two in the morning and his eyes were burning and he was close to caving into his own mind and reliving the bloody scene he had woken up to the previous morning.

"Here." Zheng Xi smacked the back of Guan Shan's head and handed him a cup of hot coffee with the perfect amount of creamer. "That's it. The stack in your hands, if we put them together I think it'll work. We'll finish it tomorrow, get some sleep."

"I want to  _know_  that it'll work, not just  _think_  it will." Guan Shan swallowed down the rest of the drink and tossed the cup across the room carelessly. Then there were fingers on his head and Zheng Xi was kneeling in front of him, forehead pressed to his.

"It'll work, Shan. Now sleep." Zheng Xi looked at him intently until Guan Shan's shoulders sagged and he gave a heavy sigh of defeat.

"Alright, fine. Now go the fuck away." He shooed him off and flipped him the bird when Zheng Xi smirked down at him.

**\------**

He Tian made his way carefully into the room, stepping around the papers that littered the room. Guan Shan was immobile, lying on his stomach on the hotel bed, stripped down to his underwear. Tian ran his fingers up his bare back, witnessing the goosebumps rising as he turned to face him. "Hm?"

"Just wanted to see you."

"I'm sorry." Guan Shan spoke slowly with sleep. "I didn't mean to snap at you like that earlier."

"It's fine. I understand this isn't what you thought you'd be doing two weeks ago." He sat on the edge of the bed and continued touching his fair skin, watching his red lashes flutter with each pass of his hand.

"How's your side?"

"Sore. No strenuous activities for a week or so and I'll be good as new." Tian grinned mischeviously as he ran his fingers up Guan Shan's thigh, smile widening as he brushed across the erection that was evident beneath his briefs.

Guan Shan sighed, "I'm pretty sure fucking is considered a strenuous activity, Tian."

"Who said anything about fucking?" Tian leaned over him, fingers gripping his waistband. He waited for Guan Shan to lift his hips and slid his briefs down his long legs when he did. Tian settled between his legs, pausing above his cock just to be sure. Consent with Guan Shan was just as important to Tian as making sure his gun was loaded.

"May I?"

Guan Shan pushed himself up onto his elbows and reached out with one hand to touch his thumb to Tian's wet lips before he ran his hand through his tussled hair, "By all means, continue."

**\------**

When Guan Shan woke the next morning, fully sated and ready to sleep for four more hours, he turned only to find that he couldn't. Tian wasn't on the other side of the bed this time, alone and fragile, taking up little to no space. No, this time he was pressed flat against his back, arm wrapped around him tight as if he'd lose him if he let go.

Guan Shan closed his fingers over Tian's and settled back into his pillow feeling the hum in the other man's chest when he said, "Mo."

"Tian." He whispered back.

"I love you."

Guan Shan let his heart skip because it was a rare feeling, one he would treasure like a childhood memory. He squeezed his hand a little more, "I know."

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the hiatus. Life is a bitch. But I'm getting back into this story and the chapter is shorter than I wanted. It's aso NSFW. Happy reading! -456

Guan Shan's heart was pounding.

From the moment he woke up in warm arms to the seconds just before they walked on stage. It was just the two of them and they'd been preparing all day for this. It didn't make it any easier. They had to pre-record their former band member's music, using bass and keyboard. Guan Shan set it up to a pedal so he could add the music with a press of his foot as they went along.

If they'd had enough time, they would have recruited new people but that would only mean someone else needed protection, someone else was at risk and in the end this was the only viable option.

**\------**

  
Zheng Xi was fast becoming Guan Shan's impulse control, more than he ever had been. A part of him wanted to resent it, but he knew he needed him now more than ever and pushing him away would get them nowhere. Not that Zheng Xi would let him run anyway.

So, there they were, staring out at a crowd of immense proportions and it was up to Guan Shan on how to break it to them that this was all that was left of Apathy.

Guan Shan could feel the sweat beading. He knew Zheng Xi was behind him on the drums, patiently waiting, being silently supportive from afar. It urged the words to leave his mouth.

"How's everyone doing tonight?" He asked and the crowd replied with a roar.

He waited a few moments before he took a deep breath and pushed on, "I'm sure you can tell that something is missing and it hurts me to say that this is all that is left of us. Things happened and it's not anyone's fault. There were no arguments, no objections, no other ways around it. Li Jei and Duyi are no longer a part of the band and we would like you all to be patient with us as we try to fill their shoes ourselves. It was short notice, yesterday to be exact and we weren't prepared. All we have is each other now and we'd be grateful of you could be open-minded and help us stay afloat."

The crowd didn't skip a beat and soaked them with applause once more and the fear drained from Guan Shan just as the lights dimmed. He gave Zheng Xi one last glance and with a nod of his head they kicked off the concert.

It was exactly what they had hoped for. The music flowed like it always did and Guan Shan felt his nerves twist each time he caught sight of Tian just below in the pit in front of the stage, keeping an eye on the crowd.

"We're gonna switch it up on this one. Hope you guys enjoy it, this one is new, and you all know Zheng Xi's vocals are to die for."

**(For this song, listen to Royal Blood -** **Lights** **Out)**

The crowd screamed as Guan Shan passed his guitar to him and took his drum sticks in return. He settled into the seat and let himself get lost in the sound as soon as he hit the first note. Drumming was always a great way to relieve stress and belting out the words as back-up instead of being the lead was always a breath of fresh air.

And Zheng Xi was amazing. He always was.

' _Every time I'm with it alone_  
_It picks me up_  
_You just send me down_  
_I can feel it rushing under my skin_  
_You're a cage won't you let me in?_  
_On my toes_  
_Lock the door_  
_Pretty face_  
_Through the walls_  
_Don't know if I'd be so sure again'_

Guan Shan felt a smile stretching across his face at the sight of his best friend on the screens, glowing, getting the recognition he deserved. His voice sent shivers down his spine.

 _'My eyes are still burning red_  
_So turn the lights out_  
_You're not so hard to forget_  
_With all the lights out'_

Guan Shan wanted to leave him up there, but he knew Zheng Xi was more at home on his drums, pounding out his unseen emotions. Just as Guan Shan was better off rubbing calluses into his fingers and screaming his lungs out to the world.

When the song ended, the crowd was explosive. Zheng Xi took a bow and pulled the guitar over his head just as Guan Shan stepped forward and pulled him into a hug. The crowd grew impossibly louder and he could feel him smiling against his face.

"You should do this more often!" Guan Shan yelled above the noise.

Zheng Xi pulled back, his hand slipping to Guan Shan's neck to press their foreheads together like he was so fond of doing now. "It was fun, but I think they're ready for the last song! It's all on you! You're gonna knock everyone on their asses!"

Guan Shan smiled once more and gave his shoulder a squeeze before they settled into their respective roles once more.

"Give it up one more time for that beast back there!"

Zheng Xi waved from his seat and waved him off. The crowd slowly died down as the lights dimmed for the last song.

"This is also a new one, wrote it last night so sue me if it's shit. But uh, this the closer for tonight. You guys have got us so far these past few months and you've changed our lives, definitely for the better. Music became my life line a few years ago." He motioned to Zheng Xi, "And it turned him into my best friend, so I wanna thank him too for holding me together when the music couldn't. I wouldn't be here."

Zheng Xi grinned at him when Guan Shan looked back while the crowd applauded.

"Alright, let's do this." He prepared his pedal and strummed in tune with the drums. It was simple, catchy, something they'd remember even though they made it yesterday.

**(Listen to Out of the Black by Royal Blood)**

_'How did it feel_  
_When it came alive and took you_  
_Out of the black? It broke your skin and shook through_  
_Every part of me, every part of you_

 _You made a fool out of me and took the skin off my back running_  
_So don’t breathe when I talk, cause you haven’t been spoken to_  
_I’ve got a gun for a mouth and a bullet with your name on it_  
_But a trigger for a heart bleeding blood from an empty pocket'_

Guan Shan caught Tian's eye in the pit below and he knew exactly what he was singing about and why. He was belting out the lyrics, letting go of the frustrations he still felt about what had happened. Tian bore holes into him but it wasn't menacing like it used to be. It was more like he was accepting his anger, putting it behind them once and for all.

 _'I never knew why and you didn’t care when_  
_It closed every door, and washed away no sin_  
_And I promised you like you promised me_  
_But those vows we made fucked it up for free'_

Guan Shan smirked and closed his eyes letting his fingers fly across the neck of his guitar, knowing the high wouldn't last before he was back to asking more questions and getting anxious again. But for the moment, he was feeling on top of the world.

He was waiting on it to fade but it never did. He was on cloud nine even after the show. Especially when he was on top of Tian in the dark and cold hotel room, no sounds but their labored breathing that filled the room between rough kisses.

"Are you still mad at me?" Tian asked after he rolled them over and began kissing a line down Guan Shan's thigh.

"No." The redhead gasped when Tian reached the skin of his hip. "I'm just still really confused about all of it."

"I know and so are we. But we'll figure it out." He mouthed at his cock, grinning at the whine in Guan Shan's throat. "Can I fuck you?"

Guan Shan sighed and dropped his head on the pillow, "Your side is still healing."

Tian moved up his body and hovered over him, watching his pupils dilate. The pale brown was almost non-existent, "I can handle it. I'll be gentle."

Guan Shan let his thumb brush over Tian's lips and he grinned amused, "You? Gentle?"

"Yes."

Guan Shan seemed to warm even more at the thought and he was nodding as Tian sucked his thumb into his mouth. He pulled away leaving his lip shining in the light coming in from the window behind them. "Get on your knees."

It wasn't what Guan Shan was expecting at all. He figured Tian wouldn't be able to control himself but he was so wrong. Beyond wrong. He thought he would be on his hands like a dog, but Tian pulled him up against his chest and Guan Shan was rolling his hips, reaching back and clinging to his shoulders and neck for leverage.

Tian really didn't do anything strenuous, just mouthed at Guan Shan's neck and pinched lightly at his nipples every so often only to hear him moan. He finally touched the heat between his thighs when he rolled his hips faster, breathing heavier, pulling at his hair the closer he got.

" _Fuck!_ " Guan Shan groaned when Tian's fingers found his cock and slowly, very slowly pulled him even closer. Guan Shan let his hands fall and grip the sheets when he leaned forward, unable to hold himself up.

Tian took the opportunity and slid his hand up his back, gripping his neck and holding him down before he snapped his hips hard, harder each time Guan Shan yelled into the mattress. He slipped his other hand around him and gripped him firmly again and stroked him in time with his thrusts until Guan Shan curled his toes in and arched his back and let a loud moan echo off the walls as he came, falling into a whine when Tian didn't stop.

Guan Shan's entire body was trembling with overstimulation when Tian finally buried himself deep and came, sighing heavily, groaning when Mo rolled his hips back on him one last time.

He smiled when Guan Shan asked while still catching his breath, "Are you okay?"

Tian pulled out carefully and fell to the bed beside him, sated and exhausted, "I'm fine."

Guan Shan sat up on his elbows and looked him over. Then he pressed a kiss into his shoulder before breaking into a chuckle, "Yeah, you are."

Tian pried his eyes open and broke into a smile, watching Mo show his teeth when he smiled along side him. It was beautiful.

Tian rolled into him and tangled their limbs, completely ignoring the mess they'd made. Guan Shan didn't and grimaced, "You're so fucking gross."

Tian purposefully ran his hand through the mess on his stomach and dipped his fingers between his thighs, laughing at the look on Guan Shan's face. But his jaw went slack just as quickly when he slipped his fingers back inside of him.

Tian smirked when the color disappeared from his eyes again. "We'll get in the shower, but not until I make you come again."

Guan Shan couldn't find words to argue because Tian was already working his fingers inside of him faster, slipping his hot mouth over his still interested cock. He let his head fall back and let himself enjoy it because he'd never let himself get lost in simple pleasures like this.

And there was still a nagging thought in the back of his mind that he wouldn't be able to keep this. Deep down he knew this wasn't going to last.

**\------**

  
A week passed. Then another and they were still holed up in the hotel when Zheng Xi woke up to his phone ringing. He slipped out from beneath Jian Yi's heavy arms and legs and took the phone to the bathroom to answer it.

It was their manager and his heart was knocking at his chest when he told them that they were looking at a tour with three other very popular bands that would begin travelling in a month's time across Europe and then spend a year touring across America.

He thanked him, hung up and pulled his pants on before he slipped out of the room and made his way over to Guan Shan's door. Tian rounded the corner right before he knocked, so Zheng Xi let his hand fall and he waited as Tian approached with three bags of food in his arms.

"Breakfast?" Tian grinned and handed him a bag before he reached into his pocket for his key card. "Mo's still asleep. Do you need me to wake him up?"

Zheng Xi hesitated and that's all it took for Tian to figure it out, "Is the tour being set up?"

"Yeah." Zheng Xi watched the wheels spinning in Tian's head and a moment later he snapped out of it, his chipper mood being replaced by the old Tian that he knew so well.

Tian stopped just as he pushed down on the handle when Zheng Xi put a hand on the door and fixed him with an accusing glare, "When are you going to tell him?"

Tian didn't flinch, "Tell him what?"

Zheng Xi huffed, "When are you going to tell him that you're not going? That you've been lying to him this entire time, giving him false hope, and making him the happiest he's ever been just to rip it all away from him and leave me to pick up the fucking pieces again?"

Tian sighed through his nose and looked over at his hand on the door and thought about what lay just on the other side, "I'll tell him. Just not today."

Zheng Xi backed away with a small disbelieving shake of his head, "I won't hold you to it. Thanks for breakfast, you're a real pal."

Tian stared until he disappeared back into his room. He stood there with the weight of his world resting on his shoulders once again before he shook the feeling away and pushed his way into the darkened room, lit only by a sliver of light peeking through the curtains. It fell over Guan Shan's sleeping form, making his skin glow on the swell of his hip. His hair looked like it was on fire and Tian wasn't sure if he'd be able to bring himself to tell him what he deserved to know before they would be forced to part ways once again.

Tian settled for setting the food out and then sitting on the side of the bed, reaching a hand out to brush against Mo's soft clean skin. He watched the goosebumps rise before he shivered and then stretched, eyes prying open to squint into the sliver of light.

"Good morning, beautiful." Tian whispered and Guan Shan slowly smiled against his pillow.

Tian knew right then that he couldn't do it. Guan Shan deserved to be happy for as long as he could make him before breaking his heart again. It would break either way so Tian figured that putting it off was a better option. For the both of them.


End file.
